Lessay Fare: Sir Oracle's Five-Percent No-Exercise Guaranteed Twelve-Step Weight-Loss Diet

 

I read somewhere that overweight is one of our country's greatest problems.ⁱ According to the papers, things will get worse as time goes by. As a public-spirited citizen, I feel obliged to offer the following personal weight-loss plan for your consideration. Diets abound, and their creators get rich, so I'll try as well. (Since I won't be selling any books, please send me cash – preferably crumpled, unmarked bills.) The diet is simple and straightforward. It requires no pills or shakes. And, contrary to other twelve step programs, it isn't linked to declarations of faith or spirituality. It requires action – though not exercise. (In that respect, sloth is greatly to be preferred.) Here it is. Just follow this plan to end obesity. You need take only one step per day. After all, a journey of a thousand calories starts with the first step.ⁱⁱ

     Step One: Eat five-percent less than you did yesterday. (That's one-twentieth for the math challenged. You can do that.)

     Step Two: Eat five-percent less than you did yesterday.

     Step Three: Eat five-percent less than you did yesterday.

     Step Four: Eat five-percent less than you did yesterday.

     Step Five: Eat five-percent less than you did yesterday.

     Step Six: Eat five-percent less than you did yesterday.

     Step Seven: Eat five-percent less than you did yesterday.

     Step Eight: Eat five-percent less than you did yesterday.

     Step Nine: Eat five-percent less than you did yesterday.

     Step Ten: Eat five-percent less than you did yesterday.

     Step Eleven: Eat five-percent less than you did yesterday.

     Step Twelve: Eat five-percent less than you did yesterday.

If my calculator is correct, you'll wind up eating about fifty-four percent of what you started with. Keep it up for a while. If that doesn't cause you to lose weight, you're cheating.

Remember: No pain, no loss.ⁱⁱⁱ

And in addition to being obvious, it's been scientifically shown that exercise makes you hungry. So don't exercise to lose weight.^iv The whole idea is a loser.

You should also cut back on fluids. All that propaganda about drinking lots of water is wrong. Water weighs sixty-two and a half pounds a cubic foot. It's bound to reflect negatively on what your scale tells you. If you've been brainwashed and you insist on water to clean the rest of you, however, don't waste your money on bottles. Drink tap water. You'll better maintain the weight of your wallet that way.^v You'll also get extra minerals. And, eschewing bottles, you'll avoid inflicting extra plastic on the environment. Isn't that special?

Is the diet safe. How should I know? What am I, a doctor?

Next episode: “Wishing Will Make It So” – Don't you just wish?

i     Personally I think it's the politicians, but there's little I can do about them.

ii     Please forgive me if I've misquoted Lao-Tzu. I'm confused.

iii    Or something like that.

iv    You probably won't have the strength for it anyway.

v    And the same is true if you cut back on your eating and spend less on food. “Organic,” “green,” and “natural” have little meaning apart from higher profits for their producers.