People Are No Damn Good

Perhaps I'm not the best person to discuss this. I'm a loner.ⁱ I don't like talking to people and it's even worse when they talk to me. It's true I'm a doctor, but I went into Radiology and all I had to do was look at pictures. Of course I had to speak with other doctors, but that was usually kept at a minimum because they weren't all that interested in what I had to say. They didn't need help from anyone – especially someone who looked at pictures all day and didn't talk to patients.

Anyway, it won't be a surprise to learn that I don't have a Facebook page. And I don't Twitter. Or chirp. I hate cocktail parties and I avoid small talk whenever possible.ⁱⁱ Why speak to someone who hasn't the slightest interest in what I have to say. Especially if I haven't the slightest interest in what he has to say either. His questions are formulas – conversation starters – and he doesn't even hear or care about the answers. However the questions form a platform for engagement, and for the spouting of whatever inanities that he pretends to have originated.ⁱⁱⁱ And you've certainly figured out that I hate shopping. There are people there. And I have to try things on in an ill-equipped dressing room. It's easier to shop at home, using the internet.^iv

Consonant with these preferences, I don't have a cellular telephone, iPod, or other mobile device. I had a pager before I retired, but people knew better than to try to get me, so it was usually quiet. And it was always off “after hours.” When I didn't want to be disturbed, I didn't want to be disturbed. And when I was willing to take calls, there was always my land line, without gadgets.^v

Having established my credentials, I'd like to tell you a little more about why I don't like people. This is in addition to what you can infer from the information about myself that I've already given.

First of all, people are inconsiderate. No one pays any attention to a schedule^vi except to use it as a starting point after they've decided that they want to be fifteen minutes, or a half hour, or an hour late. No one wants to come on time. They may be first, and that's awkward. So if they're late for the performance of a play, don't be surprised to see them walking in front of you as they go to their seats during the first act.

And irrespective of the announcements that they should turn their cellular telephones off, it's likely that several will go off during the performance. Whether people ignore it and let it ring, sheepishly turn it off, talk aloud, or walk out in front of you depends on their mood. Good luck.

On the rare occasion that I attend a social event with a smörgåsbord or buffet I find that the food is gone before I can get anywhere near the table. The vultures have already attacked and laid waste to the fare before they allow anyone else to approach the board. It's my own fault for being polite.

I've also come to the conclusion – and it's hardly an original one – that people are only interested in themselves, and they resent anyone else's achievements. (No. They're eager to tell you of the accomplishments of their children or grandchildren.^vii A grandchild's B+ on a spelling test is more than enough reason to interrupt someone talking about the speech he gave on receiving a Nobel Prize.) While they glory in someone else being arrested for income tax fraud, they give thanks that they weren't caught. And if a friend is pleased about a low price he found for something, the first reply will be that he overpaid and it's cheaper at _____.^viii  

And people are whiners. No half-full glasses. They're all completely empty. And it's someone else's fault. No one ever does anything wrong himself, but the other guy, … Someone should be sued. And someone will. You have to make them pay. Especially companies with deep pockets. They're not going to miss the money and no one you know will be involved. So you won't feel guilty. In fact you'll feel good if you make anything off those suckers.

I should add that people are also stupid. They throw money around on iPads (and the associated telephone plans), latte, new cars, and all the latest styles and fads. They go to expensive movies, even though they've invested in fancy home theaters with massive screens and expensive high-end television packages. Using the new GPS, they drive to places to which they could walk, especially expensive restaurants. Then, of course, they pay others to get them out of debt, and they fault those with more money than they.

Are my opinions too harsh? You can ignore them if you choose, but what I'm saying is the Truth. You disagree? Well you're wrong. And I'm not interested in your views anyway.

No question about it. I would have made a good monk.

Next episode: “Don't Worry, Be Happy” – If it's good enough for Bobby McFerrin, it's good enough for me.

i        Employing modern jargon, I need my space. I'm a pacer. People get in my way. It's not that I don't like people. At least it's not only that. And I'm not claustrophobic – at least not in the usual sense. I don't have a phobia, only a need for breathing room. I would have made a great hermit. It's nice having someone to talk to, but only when I want to talk. I know it's a selfish attitude, but I like having someone around on my terms. I like to have plenty of room, and not to have to pay any attention to anyone unless I feel like it. I realize that such an outlook is intolerable to others and I try to be sociable, but my heart isn't in it.

ii     And nothing is smaller than conversation at one of those torture sessions.

iii     I don't like people “in my face,” either figuratively or, as is so often the case at a crowded social occasion, literally. Too often the person spouting is also spitting.

iv    Yes. I know that's not really anonymous.  They'll know who I am, but a machine is better than people.

v     You may have the idea that I'm a Luddite, but that's not the case. I haven't broken anything all day.

vi    Or to an appointment. Or if it's an event that has food at the end, they come just in time for the food.

vii    Where would the refrigerator industry be without grandchildren. There would be no pictures to mount and no one to stand in front of the open box trying to figure out what will be good.

viii   Somewhere else. Anywhere else. Just to put you down.