The Trouble With Ernie

Have you ever read a document created by someone using speech recognition software? Some of it is hilarious. Words that sound like the ones said may be found, and they may make a sentence bizarre. Indeed, words that sand like the ones sad may be fond, and they May make a sentence bazaar. But electronic technology is improving daily and the annoyances that bother us now will soon give way to real problems.

I recently wrote a blog entitled “Kindle^® 'im Danno.” I didn't write “Candle 'im Danno,” though I realize I was dealing with a bad egg. And when I wrote “Throw the Nook^® at him” I wasn't asking Danno to pelt him with a microwave oven.

But our new generation of electronic devices is getting out of hand.ⁱ

The trouble with these new devices is best exemplified by my new Know-It-All^© Pocket-Partner^©ii – the 6g model – which knows all there is to know about me and doesn't hesitate to tell me so. The voice doing all the talking is male, and he's known as iErnie.ⁱⁱⁱ As you might guess from his name, his forte is a wisecrack remark pointing out whatever seems contrary to the expected. He also tells lame jokes and promulgates wisdom about other things, and there's no stopping him.

Let me give you some examples. When I told him I hated physics when I was in college, and anatomy when I was in medical school, He chided me on becoming a radiologist since its backbone was physics and anatomy. He loudly proclaimed, to me, and to all the world that was listening, how dumb I was. I knew that already, and didn't need for him to announce it. But he does that over and over again. Worse, he has transmitted that appraisal to all the other similar devices owned by radiologists, people in my neighborhood, and those with whom I may have communicated at some time. And I can't turn off this “feature.” Everyone knows how dumb I am by now, and they're probably as annoyed by him as I am.

Ernie has other important observations which are similarly like de Beers diamonds.^iv How many times can I tolerate “Necessity may be the mother of invention but Gene Hackman wasn't the father of computer fraud.” Or the valuable information that “iatromathematics” is the simultaneous practice of medicine and astrology, and that the term is archaic. Especially the part about it being archaic, since I use iatromathematics all the time.

All of these bits of knowledge seem to have taken on a life of their own. Including all of the information I've entered, or Ernie has gleaned about me from elsewhere on the web, whether verified or not. He passes it along freely, and he also tells me more than I want to know about friends, acquaintances, and strangers. I tried stopping him by smashing the device with a nuke (this time I mean it)^v but the information all seems to be in a cloud somewhere and it is immortal. It will live long after me. Of course that means I don't have to enter it again if^vi I get a new device, but it's no longer my decision. I was foolish to tell Ernie so much.

Unfortunately we're all doing it all the time. Even without a 6g. It's only a matter of time before Ernie or Sari or whoever else^vii lives within that little device you carry around all the time. Its transmitter will always be on sending all sorts of information to some electronic data base. Like the information collected by the NSA it will only be used appropriately and in the interests of national security. Unless it's not. iErnie is there to help. And if he doesn't help you there will be someone else who can benefit from the information. Even the hackers have to make a living.

For the present it is possible to get along without such a partner, but that time will pass. Both the government and private industry will make it difficult to do anything without the proper apps. And society and our culture will do the rest.

It won't be long before the data base will reach out and touch all of us. You'll never be alone again. When you're not on the telephone there will be Ernie, who will amuse you or insult you – at the same time as he's collecting data about you. You may think the sky is clear, but there are large clouds on the horizon. And weather or not you want to bee, your up their bearing your sole.^viii

Next episode: “Why?” – What's clear isn't always.

I        Figuratively, at least. Literally it's quite the opposite.

ii       There's also a beautiful bejeweled Pocketbook-Partner^© for those who would prefer that.

iii      HAL retired a while ago.

iv       They're “forever.” I can't get rid of them.

v        Boy they're heavy.

vi       When.

vii      Or whatever you've named the voice on your GPS. The one who knows where you are even if you don't.

viii     You'd better get used to the idea that this is all real. It's not a fish story.