Have
you ever gotten into a fight with your spouse, your lover, or your
partner. Of course you have. And however much you love him (or her)
you want to win. You give no thought to how the other party may feel
– you're only focused on the idea that he will acknowledge that
you're right.
We
want to win. No matter what. After all, we're better and smarter
than anyone else. We want to be right no matter what the cost. Even
if there's “collateral damage.”
(Have
you ever secretly wished that you'd lose? Probably.i
But primarily so you could provoke feelings of guilt in someone
elseii
or earn the sympathy due an underdog. Winners never get any sympathy.
Admiration, respect, or fear perhaps. But not sympathy. A real
poster child for your causeiii
is a dead one – even if you killed him yourself, or he isn't really
dead. That'll get you sympathy and prove your virtue and the evil of
your enemy [competitor]. So it's a valuable tool – especially when
you're wrong. And if by some fluke you turn out to be right, you can
always say “I told you so.” That's pretty satisfying.)
The
bottom line is that we are all participants in the daily activity of
competition.iv
Not just people – though they are my main concern today – but
all forms of life. Self-preservation. Survival. And evolution is
the reason we have gotten to this point. Whatever you consider the
source of evolution, it has produced the RNA and DNA patterns that
make plants and animals what they are. And whether or not we believe
that our DNA made us do it – whatever “it” is – there is no
question that our genetic background is largely – if not entirely –
responsible for our attitudes and our actions.
And,
for better or worse, the human race is composed of competitors.
There are many who contend that males are more competitive than
females, but that probably isn't true. The fields may be different,
but the game is the same. Whether we compete based on brains (a
battle of wits), beauty, words, skill, or strength, we fantasize that
we're superior to everyone around us, and it is our constant
challenge to prove it.
Nowhere
is this more evident than in sports. People are willing to maim
themselves, and damage themselves for life in order to win glory,
even though they'll be forgotten as soon as the season, or their
career, ends. For whatever reason, success on the fields of dreams
and other sports became an end in itself. "Football is not just
a matter of life and death; it’s much more important than that”
was the way Henry Sanders, coach of UCLA put it, and he meant it.
He's also credited with saying “Winning
isn’t everything; it’s the only thing,” though the words are
often attributed to Vince Lombardi.
The
competition is also an economic one,v
whether personal or commercial. On a purely personal level we don't
want to keep up with the Joneses, we want them to tryvi
to keep up with us. But of greater national concern is the
competition for consumer dollars. Cereal, gasoline, new cars – the
argument is always the same. Our product is superior to our
competitor's.
All
of this is superimposed on political campaigns.vii
By pitting candidates against each other they provide a competition
for our interest and our votes. It's often a negative competition.
We vote against candidates rather than for their opposition, though
that may be what's necessary. And the same is true of the various
propositions on the ballot. Interest groups on both sides have
promoted their arguments widely, in the hope of convincing me of the
virtue of their cause.
(The
wish to lose exists here [in politics] as well, in order to claim
virtue later. That is especially true when your candidate has no
better answers than the opposition and you'd rather that the
opposition failed than see your choice do so. Later you can point to
his failure as evidence that the voters should have sided with you.
All the possible “solutions” are losers and you'd rather the
other side lost than yours. And behind all the rhetoric is the
knowledge that you're right – irrespective of the facts and the
arguments on both sides.)
The ultimate competition is war. Animals mark their territory and compete for food and sex. But, by and large, their desires don't go beyond that. They're focused on their own survival and that of their species. The dreams of humans are less limited. We seek prestige, power, and property for ourselves, as well as better conditions for our people. But their benefits are less important than the advantages we gain for ourselves.viii The individuals – specifically we – are more important than the species. It doesn't matter who gets killed as long as we win.
Competition,
however, is simply the response to challenge. Whatever the
challenge, it is usually outside of ourselves. That can be good or
bad, but usually it's the latter. There are times when outside
challenges are appropriate: times like seeking employment or or
earning a living; times when competition is necessary. But most
often the challenges, and the competition they produce, are aimed at
self-glorification or worse – when the goal is to defeat someone
else, or put something over on him. Right and wrong are not the
issues then – only winning. The aim may not be to lose a friend,
or to make a fool of yourself, however that may be the result, even
if you don't mean it.
Forget
the others. Challenge yourself. “Be all you can be,” as the
Army puts it.ix
That
requires some thought, however. And that's your challenge. It's
certainly more important than what appears on some phony “reality”
show. It will probably sound sappy, but you are more important than
television. There's more to life than “getting away with murder”
simply because you can while others can't. The idea of doing what's
“right” is the right is the thing;x
figuring out what you're best at can be a real challenge, and doing
it is even more so.
And
make a point of admitting you're wrong. Even if you aren't.
Especially when it's obvious you aren't. When the person with whom
you're arguing realizes that the admission is insincere, you'll have
won.
Next
episode: “Original Intent” – That's not what I meant.
i It's
an especially important technique when your argument is weak or you
know you're wrong. You certainly don't want to admit that. You
don't really want to lose, but you expect to. So you plan to spin
the defeat into a moral victory.
ii He'd
really feel terrible if something happened to you – even if it was
self-inflicted. He'd probably blame himself, and that would be
fitting. After all, he's responsible for the problem. Whatever the
outcome, he caused it. Don't let him off the hook.
iii
One that will win people over to your side even if you,re wrong.
iv Battle.
v Especially
in sports.
vi And
fail.
vii It
always seems to be campaign season.
viii Food
and sex in addition to power, prestige, and property.
ix I'm
not suggesting you enlist, although that might be the right choice
for you.
x Spike
Lee, 1989.