The Only Thing

Have you ever gotten into a fight with your spouse, your lover, or your partner. Of course you have. And however much you love him (or her) you want to win. You give no thought to how the other party may feel – you're only focused on the idea that he will acknowledge that you're right.

We want to win. No matter what. After all, we're better and smarter than anyone else. We want to be right no matter what the cost. Even if there's “collateral damage.”

(Have you ever secretly wished that you'd lose? Probably.ⁱ But primarily so you could provoke feelings of guilt in someone elseⁱⁱ or earn the sympathy due an underdog. Winners never get any sympathy. Admiration, respect, or fear perhaps. But not sympathy. A real poster child for your causeⁱⁱⁱ is a dead one – even if you killed him yourself, or he isn't really dead. That'll get you sympathy and prove your virtue and the evil of your enemy [competitor]. So it's a valuable tool – especially when you're wrong. And if by some fluke you turn out to be right, you can always say “I told you so.” That's pretty satisfying.)

The bottom line is that we are all participants in the daily activity of competition.^iv Not just people – though they are my main concern today – but all forms of life. Self-preservation. Survival. And evolution is the reason we have gotten to this point. Whatever you consider the source of evolution, it has produced the RNA and DNA patterns that make plants and animals what they are. And whether or not we believe that our DNA made us do it – whatever “it” is – there is no question that our genetic background is largely – if not entirely – responsible for our attitudes and our actions.

And, for better or worse, the human race is composed of competitors. There are many who contend that males are more competitive than females, but that probably isn't true. The fields may be different, but the game is the same. Whether we compete based on brains (a battle of wits), beauty, words, skill, or strength, we fantasize that we're superior to everyone around us, and it is our constant challenge to prove it.

Nowhere is this more evident than in sports. People are willing to maim themselves, and damage themselves for life in order to win glory, even though they'll be forgotten as soon as the season, or their career, ends. For whatever reason, success on the fields of dreams and other sports became an end in itself. "Football is not just a matter of life and death; it’s much more important than that” was the way Henry Sanders, coach of UCLA put it, and he meant it. He's also credited with saying “Winning isn’t everything; it’s the only thing,” though the words are often attributed to Vince Lombardi.

The competition is also an economic one,^v whether personal or commercial. On a purely personal level we don't want to keep up with the Joneses, we want them to try^vi to keep up with us. But of greater national concern is the competition for consumer dollars. Cereal, gasoline, new cars – the argument is always the same. Our product is superior to our competitor's.

All of this is superimposed on political campaigns.^vii By pitting candidates against each other they provide a competition for our interest and our votes. It's often a negative competition. We vote against candidates rather than for their opposition, though that may be what's necessary. And the same is true of the various propositions on the ballot. Interest groups on both sides have promoted their arguments widely, in the hope of convincing me of the virtue of their cause.

(The wish to lose exists here [in politics] as well, in order to claim virtue later. That is especially true when your candidate has no better answers than the opposition and you'd rather that the opposition failed than see your choice do so. Later you can point to his failure as evidence that the voters should have sided with you. All the possible “solutions” are losers and you'd rather the other side lost than yours. And behind all the rhetoric is the knowledge that you're right – irrespective of the facts and the arguments on both sides.)

The ultimate competition is war. Animals mark their territory and compete for food and sex. But, by and large, their desires don't go beyond that. They're focused on their own survival and that of their species. The dreams of humans are less limited. We seek prestige, power, and property for ourselves, as well as better conditions for our people. But their benefits are less important than the advantages we gain for ourselves.^viii The individuals – specifically we – are more important than the species. It doesn't matter who gets killed as long as we win.

Competition, however, is simply the response to challenge. Whatever the challenge, it is usually outside of ourselves. That can be good or bad, but usually it's the latter. There are times when outside challenges are appropriate: times like seeking employment or or earning a living; times when competition is necessary. But most often the challenges, and the competition they produce, are aimed at self-glorification or worse – when the goal is to defeat someone else, or put something over on him. Right and wrong are not the issues then – only winning. The aim may not be to lose a friend, or to make a fool of yourself, however that may be the result, even if you don't mean it.

Forget the others. Challenge yourself. “Be all you can be,” as the Army puts it.^ix

That requires some thought, however. And that's your challenge. It's certainly more important than what appears on some phony “reality” show. It will probably sound sappy, but you are more important than television. There's more to life than “getting away with murder” simply because you can while others can't. The idea of doing what's “right” is the right is the thing;^x figuring out what you're best at can be a real challenge, and doing it is even more so.

And make a point of admitting you're wrong. Even if you aren't. Especially when it's obvious you aren't. When the person with whom you're arguing realizes that the admission is insincere, you'll have won.

Next episode: “Original Intent” – That's not what I meant.

 

 

i        It's an especially important technique when your argument is weak or you know you're wrong. You certainly don't want to admit that. You don't really want to lose, but you expect to. So you plan to spin the defeat into a moral victory.

ii       He'd really feel terrible if something happened to you – even if it was self-inflicted. He'd probably blame himself, and that would be fitting. After all, he's responsible for the problem. Whatever the outcome, he caused it. Don't let him off the hook.

iii      One that will win people over to your side even if you,re wrong.

iv       Battle.

v        Especially in sports.

vi       And fail.

vii      It always seems to be campaign season.

viii     Food and sex in addition to power, prestige, and property.

ix       I'm not suggesting you enlist, although that might be the right choice for you.

x        Spike Lee, 1989.