Do You Really Think So?

I don't speak for men.

I don't speak to them, so how could I possibly speak for them?

I don't speak to women either. In fact, I try very hard not to speak to anyone. Of course I exchange the usual pleasantries. How can I avoid them? But I don't take them seriously. Nor does anyone else. They're void of content and they're void of truth. When was the last someone answered you honestly when you asked how he and his (or she and her) family were? And I avoid parties like the plague.ⁱ No. Scratch the simile. They are the plague. They're places where people dissimulate or get drunk and brag. Sort of like bars but more genteel.

Anyway, though, when I occasionally speak to my wife about all the things women do wrongⁱⁱ I usually tell her how men think or what they do. It's a cover for expressing my own feelings, since it's hard to talk about myself openly. But that's what I'll do here. So if you catch me talking about what men think you should know that the only male mind to which I have access is my own, but I have trouble phrasing things that way. (Be aware, though, that some of the problems I face are not unique. As much as I try to avoid the thoughts of others, I know enough about men to realize that many of the views I have are shared by lots of them.)

Men are transparent. When they ask a question it's usually because they want to know what the answer is. Looking for an ulterior motive or a hidden agenda rather than answering the question is not likely to be productive, though it will be irritating. A “yes-no” question is best answered with a “yes” or “no,” not an endless explanation or analysis. Yet when a man asks a woman a question,ⁱⁱⁱ it's likely that rather than an answer he'll get an interrogation; why he asked the question takes precedence over giving an answer. Makes sense. Who knows what was going through his mind? It might be prudent to change the answer depending on what he's thinking and what his real question is. He's hiding that.^iv And it's the obligation of a woman to know what a man is thinking.

Another potential area of conflict is the dispute about who is right and who is wrong. But that's easily solved. The man is always wrong – especially if he's right. “If a man says something in a forest and no woman hears … 'He's still wrong.'” I'm always wrong. That's the assumption, and I'm used to it. Her default is to disagree with me even before I've had a chance to express myself. That's not unreasonable since I've always admitted being wrong when we disagree, whether I believe it or not. It's better than arguing and easier to recover from. An apology is better than a fight.

A woman assumes a man always knows what she's talking about, even when she's changed the subject without saying so. If it's clear to her, it should be clear to him. And she assumes that if he didn't hear what she said, he wasn't listening. Sometimes she “remembers” what she or the man said and he doesn't recall it.^v There is sometimes reason to suspect that her “memory” is a wish rather than a fact, but he'll never win the argument if the man says so. It's better to apologize. She won't.

Women are far more curious than men. They want to know everything that's going on. And they feel obliged to offer an opinion on everything. And a recommendation. Whether or not it's solicited. For example: A few months ago I went to a (female) dermatologist about a minor problem. Noting a hole in my undershirt, she told me that I should buy new underwear.^vi My (male) internist has never suggested that although he's had many more opportunities.

I've also noticed that my wife interrupts me a lot. Mostly I'm used to it and keep myself from interrupting her interruption. I'm bothered, but I can deal with it. There are times, however, when I really get annoyed – like when I start asking a question and she interrupts after a few words, providing a long answer before I finish my inquiry. The answer sometimes has nothing to do with the question I wanted to ask. She's convinced, though, that she knows what I'm thinking and she can respond immediately to the stupid question she anticipates I'm going to ask. She can read my mind just as she is certain that I can read hers and know what she is talking about, even if it doesn't relate to anything that has come before. But I need space. Intellectual and emotional as well as physical. My thoughts are my thoughts, unless I want to reveal them.

I may love her but the reality is that I don't understand my wife. Sometimes. But that's OK. At times she doesn't understand me either. I'm sure that a list of particulars like this^vii will be answered by a bill from her that's far longer. After all, men have many more flaws than women, and the misperceptions on my list simply reflect my inability to think clearly, or remember all of the ignorant statements I've made, and foolish things I've done.

It has nothing to do with men's inability to understand women^viii – though that is certainly the case and can muddy the waters tremendously. It's more that neither of us can read minds, and much of the misunderstandings arise from a presumed understanding of what we're thinking or what immediately preceded the statement or question that was not clear.

But that shouldn't be a surprise. Men and women are different. Vive la différence. Their bodies and their minds are different. Their abilities and their interests are different. They'll never understand each other, however much they may profit by their interactions.^ix Live with it.

I do. I said it^x and I'm glad.

Next episode:  "Nota Bene 2" – More grist.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I        And organic food.

ii        In my opinion.

iii       Enough artifice. When I ask a question is what I really mean.

iv       It's interesting that women seek conversation and socialization from men, but discourage it be analyzing whatever the man says. Why open your mouth if whatever you say will be analyzed or spun rather than accepted?

v        If she didn't hear what he (thinks he) said, it's because he remembers wrong. He never said it. And if he did, he was speaking too quietly, or there were distractions, or he was facing in the wrong direction, or … And that's not what he said anyway. Fortunately she was smart enough not to act on it because what he said was wrong. Like everything else he says.

vi       At this point let me apologize to my wife. Mea culpa. If she reads this it's likely she'll be embarrassed. That's why I haven't told her about the incident.

vii      These are just a few of the issues between men and women that come to mind. There are many more that I won't mention like “multitasking,” a flawed issue if ever there was one (see “Two For The Price Of One,” published May 1, 2011), and the idiotic dispute about whether a toilet seat should be up or down – as if there is only one correct answer. Whoops! I mentioned some of them.

viii     And vice versa.

ix       You thought I was going to write something else, didn't you.

x        Actually, because of the nature of the ceremony, what I said was different, but, happily, it sealed the bargain.