Writing It Right

The world is changing. America even moreso. “Damn the torpedoes. Full speed ahead.”

We have learned that we do not live in a homogeneous world; we have learned both by looking at our own history and at the society in which Man lives. Both are changing. We know that the first man killed in the American Revolution was a Negro. We recognize the plight of illegal aliens and are acting to correct the situation. We realize that nowadays a man will not pay for his girl's movie ticket – they'll go Dutch treat. We even let our wives pay for our meals when we go to the Chinese restaurant. We've done away with old and outdated practices which we viewed as evidences of our courteous culture. Prostitution, and other examples of sexual activity, are portrayed on television and in the movies that we watch. In short, many of our practices have to be disabled and replaced with more tolerant ones. We will not be guinea pigs in society's experiment in bias. We won't be gypped.  We will not let ADHD, dyslexia, learning disability or other affliction hamper our progress, nor permit any kind of handicap to limit us. And linguistic change must come first, lest we be left with a dated variety of the Queen's English.

The thought is noble (if stilted), but the language leaves a lot to be desired. Problematic text is indicated. Talk is cheap, but cheap talk can be very costly. Better to speak softly and carry a big eraser.

But the computer is mightier than the pen, and Moosehead Industries has the answer – “EupheWriter.” It's a program designed to rid your text of any language that may be offensive to anyone.

Thus far there are five modules: GendeRighter, that makes any document gender neutered; ERace, that obliterates any race-based references; UnDocumented, to Americanize those whose citizenship may be in question; Expletives Deleted, which can change “R” language into “G;” and Kinder Gentler Words, which tones down the rhetoric against other targeted groups. The sensitive writer can use more than one module at a time, and in any word processor. An efficient way of accomplishing this goal is to purchase Soft Spoken, which includes them all. More modules are on the way. (The program itself was perfected by Anish Bandopadhyay, a Native American from Mumbai.)

The program functions in accord with your needs. You may choose to have it identify but not change questionable language (for example you may decide that “The Postman Always Rings Twice” should not be rendered “The Mail Postal Deliverer Always Rings Twice) or have such verbiage automatically corrected. Depending on your wishes, the corrections may be marked or unmarked. An example of an unmarked version of the text above might look like that which follows:

The world is changing. America even moreso. “Condemn the torpedoes. Full speed ahead.”

We have learned that we do not live in an LGBTgeneous world; we have learned both by looking at our own past and at the society in which people live. Both are changing. We know that the first individual killed in the American Revolution was a person of color. Everyone recognizes the plight of those seeking to become American citizens and they are acting to correct the situation. We realize that nowadays an individual will not pay for their date's movie ticket – they'll each pay their own way. Many even let their partners pay for their meals when they go to a foreign restaurant. We've done away with time-tested and outdated practices which we considered as evidences of our egalitarian culture. Sexual work, and other examples of intimate activity, are portrayed on television and in the movies that the visually enabled watch. In vertically challenged, many of our practices have to be otherwise enabled and replaced with more sensitive ones. We will not be Italian pigs in society's experiment in bias. We won't be cheated.  We will not let different learning, different learning, different learning or other different learning hamper our progress, nor permit any kind of physical disadvantage to affect us. And linguistic change must come first, lest we be left with a dated variety of the gender dysphoric's English.

As you can see, while it's very good it's not yet quite perfect. What is? (By the way, have you ever read the product of voice-to-text technology?) Version 2.0, on which we're working right now, corrects some of the problems. But individualization will remain a feature.

After all, to each their own.

Next episode: “Emphasis" –  That'll larn ya.