Tuck and Cover

 

It must be scary to live in the British Isles. Mary Shelley and Bram Stoker both came from there, Transylvania notwithstanding. And while Frankenstein's monster didn't actually sneeze, Count Dracula sniffed. Must be the gray, rainy British weather (actually Stoker was Irish).

From the costume of the good(?) Count we have adopted a new way of sneezing – the “Dracula Sneeze.” We used to sneeze into our hands or our handkerchiefs (or tissues, if we owned paper company stock) but now we are admonished to sneeze and cough into our elbows – as if we were wearing capes and hiding our faces behind them. But people don't wear capes nowadays, so just elbows will have to do. The practice is based on the idea that sneezing into our hand or a hand-held sneeze-catcher will leave germs on our hands – germs we will pass on to the next person we meet.

Sounds good, but is there any evidence to back it up? Do politicians and clergymen – notorious hand shakers both – get sick more often than others?ⁱ Are there fewer colds among the contacts of those who sneeze into their elbows than in those who don't? I suspect no one has ever checked on either of these important questions. There is an increased incidence of asbestos-related diseases not only among asbestos workers but also among those who do the laundry of family members working in facilities using asbestos, especially among wives who wash asbestos-laden clothes. But do those who clean clothing elbows, and the shirts and jackets that contain them, catch cold more often than the general population? Or is this a fad based on someone's idea of what sounds reasonable and sensitive to the needs of others? After all, lots of germs exit from our airways when we sneeze and we certainly don't want to pass them on to others.

On the other hand (I probably should not have used the word “hand”), we expel the same germs when we breathe. Indeed, in the course of a day we launch far more germs by breathing than by sneezing or coughing, and no one has suggested that we stop breathing, although they do bewail the polluted air. Just as we usually avoid getting in someone else's face, impinging on his space, favoring him with our hot breath, it makes sense that we turn our heads when we sneeze or cough. But do we lessen the possibility that someone else will get a cold when we sneeze into our elbows rather than our hands, handkerchiefs or into mid-air away from others? Probably not, but I must admit that my contention has no more scientific basis than that of the “Dracula Sneeze” proponents. Using your elbow, though, makes it look as if you really care. And, whether or not you're accomplishing anything by that maneuver, you probably do care. Unless you're a child who has been taught that it's the only right way to sneeze (though we never tell them how to wipe their snotty little noses without using their hands – and we often do it for them, getting their germs on our hands instead of theirs). If you've never learned any other way, that procedure will simply be the default.ⁱⁱ

When I was growing up, during a time of overblown anxiety about the possibility of atomic war, we were taught in school to “Duck and Cover” – to scramble under our desks for our own protection should a bomb fall. That was one of the fads of the day. The idea that we might not be any safer from nuclear annihilation under our desks was never part of the conversation. We had to have the opportunity to protect ourselves by ducking (though by ducking we were more likely to injure ourselves than by sitting still). After all, we were doing something that seemed to make sense. But it is a part of our culture to do things that make no sense, based on “common knowledge,” the “obvious,” or early, but unconfirmed, scientific studies. And whoever doesn't go along with what is unmistakable, clearly doesn't care about those around him. It doesn't matter that there is no evidence for the “self-evident.” Everyone knows what's best.

So we are pressed, among other things, to take mega-vitamins and herbal medicines – both of which may be harmful, to have our cell phones with us at all times so we can stay in touch with those who must speak to us immediately, even if we are driving, and to buy bottled water, which increases the supply of plastic requiring disposal, and increases the profits of those who market an unnecessary product.

In this instance, though, we must be concerned about those around us, so I urge you to talk through your hat and laugh up your sleeve. And don't dry your hands after you wash them. You never know who used the towel last. (Wipe that smile off your face – preferably with your cape.) In addition, your child should always clean the tomato sauce off his mouth with his sleeve rather than the napkin. That way he won't risk getting germs on his hands and you'll save the cost of cleaning the napkin. All of your formal dinner party guests will appreciate your consideration and will forswear the use of their own napkins. You'll be famed on the dinner-party circuit for the cleanliness of your napkins.ⁱⁱⁱ So keep it up.

And, of course, another benefit of sneezing into your elbow is that you won't stain your handkerchief.

Next episode: “No Answer” – A call from the NRA.

i While you may view them – especially politicians and men of the whole cloth– as a sick bunch, I'm specifically dealing with germ-based maladies.

ii By the way, I hope your folks taught you to yawn into your elbow as well. You should never cover your mouth with your hand when you yawn.

iii You may even start a new style – red blotches on the clothing. If grunge proved successful, why not smudge. Wearers will be identified as people who care about others.