Parenting For Dummies

It's very much in vogue nowadays to say that “it takes a village to raise [sic]ⁱ a child.” That idea was popularized by a politician, a lawyer, who was probably seeking votes (at that time – 1996 – for her husband, but probably in the expectation that it would serve her well personally in the future). The idea, of course, wasn't new, having its origin in an old African proverb, and, in fact, “It Takes A Village” was the title of a book that appeared two years before hers – just about the time that her ghostwriter started hers.

In any event, the concept may have been applicable in seventeenth or eighteenth century Africa – and, indeed, the ideas of cooperation and responsibility that it proclaims are certainly true today – but it is currently more rooted in politics than parenting. The idea would certainly have been popular among the founders of the kibbutz movement in Israel in the early and middle part of the twentieth century, because many of them favored the communal rearing of children.ⁱⁱ It is also probably considered “correct” in societies elsewhere that look to the community as the source of goodness and wisdom, and minimize the individual, whose primary value is as part of the group. And among women.^iii,iv And it is a way of blaming the larger community for any failure in a child's upbringing rather than accepting personal responsibility. We are, after all, a litigious society, and always looking for someone else to blame.

But there are problems with such a system. Now that there are usually smaller families, and most live in cities lacking social communities similar to those in African villages, the idea does not seem to be as applicable.^v In all likelihood, each member of the social circle in which the child and his/her^vi mother exist will have read a different book by a different “expert,” and every one of them will tell of the ''right” way to rear a child – one unlike all the others. Hence the village will “raise” the child in different, and often conflicting, ways – ways which are likely to be at odds with any inclination of the parents. That, of course, will be confusing to the child and make him less, rather than more, likely to act in the civilized manner that mother and father had in mind.^vii What's to be done?^viii,ix

The problem is that there are too many “experts” – especially in a village.^x The solution, obviously, is another expert, but one who works within the context of a family. And that's I. I make no pretense at originality. Parents have been raising children forever, but from what I've seen and heard, too often they may go off in the wrong direction.^xi What I'll try to do (and succeed at doing if you're paying attention and if you really care how your children develop) is to give some basic rules that are guaranteed (or double your money back) to make you a good parent.^xii Even if it's not easy, it can be very rewarding.^xiii

First of all, the best parents come in pairs: preferably two people who are of different sexes (with genders that match the sexes) and who like each other. In addition, it is best if they have like ideas about raising children, and ideal if those ideas are the ones I am giving here. Those ideas center on the concept that children know they are children and, though they wouldn't admit it, they are aware that they don't know everything.

Proper family structure is critical to success in bringing up children.^xiv Parents may have different philosophies on the subject, but they should be worked out in private – never in front of the children. The decision of one of them, once expressed to the child, should never be contradicted by the other.^xv The children should never profit by playing off one parent against the other. In fact, punishment for such an attempt should be considered. A vital aspect of parental behavior is consistency – both on the parts of the parents individually, and the two together. If the children can anticipate the results of their behavior in advance, there is likely to be less “testing.”

Children need structure^xvi – both in the family hierarchy and in the way their lives are run. There should never be any question about who is in charge. And it should never be the children.^xvii Children should be taught the “rules” as early as they can understand them,^xviii and the penalties for violations should be clearly delineated. You should never make a threat you are not prepared to carry out. And you should always carry it out. They should learn to respect you. And, equally important, you should respect them.

At times this will require corporal punishment^xix which should be dispensed when the children refuse to do what you tell them to.^xx After a few applications they will get the point. Properly performed (relatively early in their development and never on the face), accompanied by an explanation of the offense, and followed by a display and declaration of love, this is likely to achieve the goal of order in the household along with an understanding of the hierarchy and the importance of following the rules.^xxi A respect for authority rather than a questioning of it will serve them better in life, and properly performed it won't turn them into homicidal maniacs. The frequent alternative, prolonged yelling, is more likely to contribute to testing as the child tries to see what he can get away with, knowing that the only risk is noise, which he rather enjoys.^xxii A side benefit of the judicious imposition of the “rod” rather than screaming is that the other children in the family will learn by what they see happening to their sib, and will be less likely to test.

As with yelling, children learn a lot from their parents.^xxiii,xxiv Two examples will illustrate this point (although the actual situations are too numerous to mention): if you eat what they'd like to have (perhaps a snack, something else more tasty than nourishing, or the last portion of a food they like) while telling them they must eat something else (like okra or broccoli), they may refuse food altogether. And if you partake of self-serving dissembling when speaking to your spouse, they will learn to lie. Never lie in front of your children.^xxv Never! As early as feasible they should learn that trust is the basis for relations between people. As they expect you to tell the truth – especially when you offer them something – you expect them to tell the truth at all times. The penalty for not doing so should always be greater than that for whatever they're trying to hide.

Food is a different problem. Children often refuse food because of its appearance and before they've had the opportunity to taste it. And it's fun to throw it around. Fortunately children eventually get hungry. Negotiation over meals is not permissible. Ideally the child will be told in the morning what will be served for dinner. And when dinner is served it should be a “take it or leave it” affair. The children are under no obligation to eat, but if they're hungry the food is before them.^xxvi And it's useful to establish regular meal times during which all members of the family will sit together at the table whether they choose to eat or not. Of course neither newspapers nor other reading materials should be permitted during meals.

There are times when a child, for whatever reasons, displays what is often viewed as “middle-child syndrome” – even if he in not a middle child. He may become belligerent or teary. He's sensitive. But he needs reassurance that everything is all right and you still love him. Sometimes all it takes is the suggestion that he go to his room and rest, and come back when he feels better. A few minutes of your undivided attention and a good hug then are wonderful reinforcement of the entire process.

One more note should be kept in mind. (There are many more pieces of advice I could offer, but those here will probably provide a good starting point and you'll learn the rest as you go along.) Your children will sometimes try to help you. But, of course, they'll have their own ideas about what constitutes help. You'll probably try to emphasize that “help” is doing what you need to be done, not what they feel like doing.

Remember that, when you consider your own responsibilities. You may mouth the mantra “I'll always be there for you,” but that support is of greatest value when they need it, not when you have some free time and can give it without disrupting what you're doing. And whether or not you think they need it, it's worthwhile, for both of you, if you throw in a physical demonstration of love every now and then.

Finally, outside experts like me don't have to live with the results of their recommendations, but you do. Neither do they have to face the everyday problems not outlined. That, of course, doesn't make the recommendations wrong. But it places all the real responsibility where it belongs – on the parents.

Good luck.^xxvii

Next episode: “Proust For The Masses” – From the past to the present.

i     “Rear” is probably a better word to indicate nurturing, and it saves a letter. It's also a good site for the application of disciplinary measures. More on that later.

ii     It's interesting that the model of group children's houses is less in favor now and there has been a return to the nuclear family.

iii    My intent is not to be sexist – even if this is read that way – but a recognition of the greater interest of women than men in the rearing of children, and in the fact that women are, by their nature (again this may appear sexist even if there is scientific backing), more social than men.

iv    Perhaps supporting the previous point is the fact that the politician, her ghostwriter, and the author of the original book were all women.

v     Societal, as well as absolute, “norms” play an important part in child rearing as well as everything else. We have to live in the society in which we exist. However other patterns may be closer to Truth in a Platonic sense, if they differ significantly from those around us, they will be detrimental.

vi    That's my nod – and my only one – to egalitarianism. At this point I'll revert to more comfortable and historically based language patterns.

vii    If your mindset is centered on the village, though, ignore the sanctimommies. You'd be best following the suggestions of some grandmothers (and the grandfathers). They've been through the experience of raising children, and they survived. And they've probably heard all of the “rules” that the academics promote and can balance them against life in the real world.

viii   The lawyers have taught us never to ask a question unless we already know the answer and it is one we want to hear.

ix    Although some would suggest locking up your children until they're thirty (children should be neither seen nor heard), and then throwing them out of the house, that's not always the best alternative.

x     "When the eagles are silent, the parrots begin to jabber." -- Winston Churchill

xi     In this matter, as well as in many “self-help” matters, the ones who read this material and try to put it to use are the ones who don't need it. The dysfunctional, who might benefit, aren't likely to be reading such works. Intelligent people would probably do as well, or better, (and save a lot of money) by following their own instincts. That was the pattern until a few decades ago

xii    It goes without saying (but I'll say it anyway) that I know the right way to rear children, just as I know the Right way to do everything.

xiii    The instructions that follow are long. I offer no apologies. You'll have twenty or thirty years to work them out.

xiv    Division of responsibilities (work, housekeeping, cooking) need not be in accordance with what some view as usual social “norms,” (actually the concept of responsibility will be covered in a future essay) but should be understood in advance so there is no need to argue over it. Both parents should play a prominent part in child care.

xv    Every now and then it may be necessary, after such a private discussion, to change a decision, but that should be done and explained by the one who made it, not by the other parent.

xvi     Children are, by their nature, destructive and disruptive. It goes with the territory, and you'll have to break them of those tendencies. You should know, however, that both are normal even though correction is necessary.

xvii   Children know how to push buttons. Be alert.

xviii   Lists and schedules of activities, chores, and the like are a good way to provide structure and to delineate expectations. Responsibilities should be spelled out clearly. So should bed time. If the child is regularly late for sleep or a school bus or something of the like, make the scheduled time earlier. That might be hard on you as well as the child, but it may have to be done.

xix    If you think logic will work you're living in another world. “Children, I guess, must have their own way the minute that you say 'no.'” – The Fantasticks, 1960, Schmidt and Jones.

xx    Yes. I know. It hurts you more than it does the child. Live with it. Both of you will be the better for it.

xxi   There's a lot to be said for reward and punishment. Although I've emphasized the punishment, don't forget the rewards. Bribery is a useful tool when rearing children, and the people who advise against it are flat out wrong.

xxii   Babies cry. That's the only way they know to get attention (but you don't have to jump every time it happens because children are healthy, resistant and resourceful beasts). As they get older they learn to yell and scream. If they hear yelling from parents it will feed into that tendency on their part. A calm voice with an explanation, a spanking, and love are a more effective alternative. And they're less bothersome to the neighbors. Sound and fury don't necessarily indicate anything, either from children or parents.

xxiii   In “The Nature Assumption,” Judith Harris points out that most of what children learn is from their peers, rather than their parents. But I am convinced that this must refer only to the specifics (of which there are many) rather than basic principles.

xxiv   Children also learn from their sibs, especially bad habits. And they always believe (whether it is true or not) that you are favoring the other. It is important to get them to focus on their own behavior and their own benefits rather than to compare themselves to a sib. And it's important that you don't make such comparisons.

xxv   Or, for that matter, anyone else.

xxvi   A single backup meal, like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, could be available at all times, but no more than one. Otherwise there will be interminable negotiations.

xxvii   You'll need it.