In The Beginning

                                                                                 

Where do I start? It happened so long agoⁱ that I don't remember all the details, but I'll give it my best shot. And I hope that you'll forgive any minor errors I may make.

As I recall, it all began during their regular Thursday night poker game.ⁱⁱ It was dark out.ⁱⁱⁱ The doorbell rang and the Buddha answered it. It was the pizza delivery and the Domino's man was waiting outside for a tip. That fact, however, was annoying to the gods and Zeus struck him with lightning. It eliminated the tip problem, but the Prophet criticized him roundly for engaging in party tricks.

The pizzas were still there, however, and they were divided among the participants. Everyone had something (except for Moses, who wouldn't eat any of it) and their spirits were sated. They looked on the extra cheese, and it was good. There was a big crowd. In addition to those I've already mentioned, Jesus was there along with the rest of the Trinity (the Father and the godfather) as were Ra, Ahura Mazda, Jupiter, Ganesha, Confucius, Ometecuthli, and a host of other deities and dignitaries. Too many to count.

The game resumed after the snack. It was now light outside.^iv Everybody was a winner in the poker game. That was to be expected – there were certainly no losers among the gods and their representatives.

Once again the doorbell rang. This time, though, it was Brown. “I got a package for Monseigneur George Lemaitre, and I gotta' get a John Hancock.” Heracles sprung up. “I'll sign for it.” And he did. The UPS man was happy to get rid of the burden. “Oh, by the way, it fell out of the truck about a block away and I couldn't pick it up. “No problem. I'll get it.” But before the Titan could get to the package, the delivery man sped away.

A few minutes later Heracles reappeared, sweat dripping all over him. “It's not so easy. The package is small, but I can't move it.”

So Zeus sent for Atlas who arrived with a smirk on his face. “What can you expect from 97 pound weaklings. I guess none of you pussies is up to it.”

He wasn't either. Zeus wasn't laughing any more, but he was still convinced he had the problem in hand. “It takes brains more than brawn. Archimedes once told me, ΠΑ ΒΩ ΚΑΙ ΧΑΡΙΣΤΙΩΝΙ ΤΑΝ ΓΑΝ ΚΙΝΗΣΩ ΠΑΣΑΝ.^v He'll show you how it's done. When the going gets tough, the tough get going.” So he sent for the man with the stick. But soon after the Eureka! man started he reported back, “The lever isn't long enough and I've got no good place to stand.”

They all stood around, arguing about a plan. Some suggested forgetting about the whole thing and getting back to the game, but there was a lot of sentiment that they mustn't give up. They couldn't admit that there was a task too difficult for them.

Meanwhile a Hand from above picked up the package and its contents – a speck that was barely visible – and blew on it. There was a large explosion, but it was silent momentarily. Then something started expanding at an alarming pace, and the sound along with it – a really big bang. And in only an instant,^vi there were stars all over the place.^vii Somewhere along the line life developed on earth, and possibly elsewhere, but it's hard to determine if this resulted from natural forces or if the Hand directed its appearance. There was plant life, animal life, and a few other types, but in the end it was the humans that ruled – at least among the life on earth.

The participants in the big bet poker game watched it all, each claiming that he deserved the credit for the whole thing. Royal flushes abounded. 

Absurd?

Of course. But all of it, or only a part? And what part? Both believers and non-believers claim to know all the answers. But do they? When did time begin? Where did the gods come from? For that matter, where did the speck originate? Our scientists tell us that all matter comes from preexisting matter, so if that scenario, or even part of it, is correct there must have been something earlier.

We'll never know. The whole thing is beyond rationality – at least the rationality built into us. The philosophers are all angle shooters – they may have showy flops and possibly even promising turns. But their rivers are polluted. Don't let them bluff you. You're on your own. 

 

In spades.

Next episode: “Boy Scouts Lite” – The new, improved America.

i       Thirteen or fourteen billion years ago, give or take.

ii      In retrospect, that's an anachronism. Thor hadn't yet consented to the use of his name for something as mundane as a day name. It must have happened at some other time. Wait. That can't be right. Time hadn't been invented yet.

iii     Of course it was dark. There was no sun.

iv     Mbombo's slices were a little ripe, and he ate too many of them, vomiting up the sun as a result.

v      “Give me a place to stand and with a lever I will move the whole world.”

 

vi      Or several billion years – whichever came second.

 

vii     Not just Elvis.