L'chaim

I should be dead.

I do everything wrong.

That's enough of the philippic. Let me get down to facts. I'm not being responsible. I'm supposed to walk 10,000 steps every day. I read that somewhere so it must be true.ⁱ But I don't do that much and I never have.ⁱⁱ And I don't jog, either. How am I supposed to keep fit? I like sitting in a comfortable chair listening to music and nodding off. And when I'm tired of that I take a nap.

And my food habits are wrong too. I love fat and salt. It was good enough for ancient sacrifices and it's good enough for me. Especially burnt fat.ⁱⁱⁱ An olfactory and a culinary treat. And I should add that I like other foods burnt as well – especially meat. From my perspective vegetarians are missing out on the best foods in order to satisfy some sort of religious belief system. Now I'm all in favor of religion, but they've missed the mark by quite a lot. And vegans are the worst. I think they're like Vulcans and come from another solar system.^iv In any event, I'm a carnivore.^v

There are some other facts worth mention: I'm twenty pounds over what one internet program tells me is my ideal weight. That must be because I love junk food – particularly cheese balls and potato chips. But I don't want to sell cake short (or shortcake for that matter), or cookies, candy, and Coke (especially the “Classic” variety).^vi I already mentioned that I love fat, even the saturated and trans varieties though I usually don't read food labels to see if they're present.

I don't take megavitamins, fiber, or food supplements, and I'm not a fan of anti-oxidants or the nine (I think it's nine) portions of fruit daily that will provide them. You can be sure I don't eat an apple every day (nor do I take a shower, so I don't have to worry about keeping the doctor away). I love gluten and high-fructose corn syrup. 

I prefer tap water to the bottled variety – especially to bottled water with all sorts of supplements and food colors in it. I also avoid all of the products that are supposed to support my immune system. (It's bewildering that so many people eschew immunizations for their children based on “scientific” studies long discredited and retracted.) I avoid “immune support supplements” like the plague (and yogurt).

 

I love inorganic and unnatural foods. Especially those that have been radiated and are derived from sources that contain genetic modifications. They tend to last longer and have fewer bugs and other pathogens. And they're usually cheaper.

I didn't mention, but now I shall, that I don't stop and smell the roses or hug trees. And I don't talk to my plants, although sometimes they talk to me.^vii I've been in a few automobile accidents – the last when I lost consciousness while driving^viii – and a plane crash. So far I'm still alive.

But I'd better watch my step or I'll die young. No, wait. It's too late for that. But I should still correct my behavior in order to add to my years. Though I've never been convinced that that was such a good idea. As John Mortimer wrote, “I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward.”

And I wonder if it would do any good anyway. Linda McCartney, Paul's first wife, was a vegetarian and an animal rights activist – an active member of PETA. She died of metastatic breast cancer, and one of the comments made after that was that she shouldn't have died. “She did everything right.”

So what's the answer? Can you prolong your life by doing everything right? Do you want to? And do you shorten it by doing things wrong?

There is no answer. G-d (or fate or whatever else, if anything, in which you believe) governs the length of your life irrespective of what you do. That's not to suggest that you engage in risky behavior like smoking, drinking, and texting while driving, but only that some of the things people do in search of immortality are overkill. Engaging in health crazes is not only costly, it's close to useless. From my perspective, the best approach is to do whatever you enjoy the most and believe is most responsible and best for you and everyone else (even if it's vegetarianism) without getting caught up in all the latest fads – especially those that promise eternal life or bliss.

When you try to cheat death you only cheat yourself.

Next episode: “Look At Me – I'm A Liberal” – I'm sensitive.

I         I think it was in a blog, and all bloggers know what they're talking about, and they're all in agreement.

ii       But who's counting?

iii      That's the way they served up sacrifices, and they knew what they were doing.

iv       Or universe. Or reality.

v        Actually I'm an omnivore (as long as it's kosher) but I don't like to waste my calories on salad and other varieties of animal food. (In truth, no calories are wasted. They all go to the common good. And the individual waist.)

vi       As you can see, I favor the C food group, and that includes Cheese balls and potato Chips. Of course when Linus Pauling urged us to take large amounts of vitamin C, I knew it was just a crock.

vii       I must admit that I find that somewhat unnerving.

viii     I've had no problems for the last few years having returned to driving after about a month of medical tests.