Heresy

Alright. I admit it. I'm an anomaly.

No! Wait. I'm being too harsh on myself. I'm trying to be politically correct. But deep down I know that I'm right and the world is wrong.

These thoughts crossed my mind last night as I had dinner out with my wife. It was at a nearby Chinese restaurant. It was her choice. Believe me it was her choice. My preference is for a steak house, since I love a nice steak with lots of burnt fat. Or a few similarly prepared lamb chops. With a nice glass of wine. Perhaps I'd choose a fancy dessert as well.

But I'm a good husband. So I had skinless fried chicken cutlets with peas and carrots. The name was fancier and, from the endless menu, it sounded tolerable. But it wasn't. Chicken is chicken and peas and carrots can, run but they can't hide. You can serve “snap peas” with grated raw carrots, but it's still peas and carrots. And schnitzel is schnitzel even with “plum” sauce. Moreover I suspect that the sauce was really a commercial combination of water, high-fructose corn syrup, artificial color, and artificial flavor – but I have no beef with high-fructose corn syrup and artificial stuff, so I'll let that pass. (Actually I had chicken, not beef, with the combination of water, high-fructose corn syrup, artificial color, and artificial flavor.) Fortunately it wasn't organic. (Or, at least, it didn't say so.)

Bottom line, though, is that I had chicken with peas and carrots. And the chicken was already sliced for me. People who eat in Chinese restaurants use chopsticks and they don't know how to cut food or they can't. (And maybe they all have false teeth.) There were lots of other things on the menu, but almost all of them were combinations of small pieces of meat and vegetables in some kind of thick, nondescript, sauce. Page after page of them. Far more than I cared to read. (There were also Thai dishes listed, as well as sushi, but all that proves is that the restaurant was keeping up with the fads. The food itself was no better.)

And, of course, there was a bowl of tasteless rice to fill me up, although there was no lack of food. What the dish lacked in quality it more than made up for in quantity. A big glass of water accompanied my meal. Fortunately it was tap water rather than some of the pretentious and overpriced bottled variety. I suppose I could have had green tea, but there's a limit to my masochism. I can take just so much.

As for dessert, everyone got a couple slices of orange and a commercial fortune cookie which I was smart enough not to eat. I eschewed the pop philosophy and my “lucky” numbers. I'm sure it wasn't my loss.

So where am I going with this? I'm Jewish and I don't like Chinese “food.” It ain't food! I don't care if half the world eats it or something similar (I don't like Japanese or Thai fare either), it just ain't food. Anything you have to eat with sticks isn't worth the time. I'd rather pick something up in my hands. (We're Henry the Eighth, we are.)

I guess this means that I fail in the test of multiculturalism. I'm ethnocentric. I've got teeth. I'm a heretic. A pariah. And I don't want everything mixed together.

But I don't care. Others, and I don't exclude Jews, can eat whatever they want. Even if it isn't food. It's their (foolish) choice. And I'll dutifully observe the ritual myself every now and again in order to keep up the ethnic image and maintain family peace, however I don't have to like it. And I don't.

Pass the bagels and lox. And the herring. And the rugelach.

And I'll have a steak tonight.

Next episode: “Miss Bishop, Mitchel Grossberg, Dr. Ralph Goldin, and Socrates” – Different, but the same.