DWI – Turkey

No. This is not a new crime show based in Europe and Asia. In fact television has nothing to do with it. But let me not jump the gun. First let me relate what just happened. I'm too tired to get involved with side issues.

I was driving home from Thanksgiving dinner which we had with my sons and their families. We do that every year, on the Sunday after Thanksgiving. People usually have more obligations than they can handle already on Thursday, Thanksgiving Day, so we've taken to observing it on Sunday. We merge the celebration with one for Hanukkah, which almost invariably takes place at a later date (last year was a rare exception).

Anyway, we had turkey with all the fixings, even though I'm not a big fan of the bird. Finished off with pecan pie which I do like. By that time it was getting a little late so we decided to drive home. I'm a slow, law-abiding driver and we wanted to beat the Sunday night traffic jam.

I was in the slow lane (of four) when I saw a sign saying that the lane would end in one-and-a-half miles. Since there were no cars near me I moved one lane to the left. Almost immediately I saw red and blue flashing lights behind me, so I moved back into the right lane. There was still plenty of time before the lane would disappear, and I wanted to give the police car plenty of leeway to go after the lawbreaker. To my surprise, though, it moved right also – immediately behind me. I hadn't been speeding and I assumed the trooper's concern had something to do with my moving out of the slow lane.

I'm a good citizen so I pulled off the road – way off the road so I wouldn't confuse any other drivers. The police cruiser pulled up behind me and stopped with its lights still flashing. Two policemen exited from it and one came up on each side of my car. I must admit that I was relieved that their guns weren't drawn. I lowered my window.

“License and registration, please.”

“I moved over because the lane is ending.”

“License and registration, please.”

“I wasn't speeding.”

“License and registration, please.”

So I gave him my license and registration which were both up to date. And my car had been inspected. I couldn't figure out what he thought was wrong.

“Were you texting?”

“Of course not!”

“On the cell phone?”

“I don't even own one. Or any of those modern devices. I don't believe in them. I even have manual transmission in my car.”

“Been drinking?”

Now I have to admit that I had a glass of wine with the meal, but that was almost three hours earlier and I couldn't imagine that it was affecting my driving.

The other trooper didn't wait for my answer but pulled out a couple of funny looking devices and handed them to the officer next to me.

“Breathe into this.”

I did. Then he handed me the other.

“Breathe into this one too.”

Again I did as I was told. But I was completely confused, and I demanded an explanation.

“Why did you stop me? I was obeying the laws and I was driving safely.”

“You were swerving from one lane to the other. I'd call that distracted driving or driving while impaired.”

He looked down at his instruments.

“Your blood alcohol is normal, but you have an elevated tryptophan. Looks like you overdosed on turkey. That's illegal in this state. The tryptophan in turkey makes you sleepy. Everybody knows that. Your wife can drive you home.” He took a quick sniff in her direction. “Her breath smells okay.” That lifetime supply of Sen-Sen really paid off.

I should have expected it, but I had paid no attention when they started putting up signs saying that turkeys wouldn't be sold to people under 18. It didn't apply to me so I didn't bother to think about why that was the case. Anyway, the officer said the level was only slightly high, but it's better to be safe than sorry, and he didn't think the judge would be too hard on me since this was a first offense. But I'd be wise in the future not to eat turkey before driving. It's a dumb recommendation, but it's fine with me since I don't ordinarily eat any.

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Alright. I made it up. And turkey doesn't have any more tryptophan than lots of other foods. Less than some. But “everybody knows” that turkey makes you sleepy (not really), and it's “better to be safe than sorry.” Something doesn't have to be true to be sanctified and codified by society. It just has to appear on the front page of the Times to be accepted as gospel. Confirmatory studies are of no interest, and if they appear at all it will be on an inside page. So we jump the gun. Why take the risk of immunizing your child. It may cause autism. It doesn't matter if people die because they, or their peers, aren't immunized. And depending on the latest news, fats, or coffee, or carbs, or vitamin C, or something else, is good for us or bad for us – but it's better to be safe than sorry.

And that's one of the many problems with our society. We have a great need to do something. Especially something everyone knows is good. It may be that we follow some old wives' tale, or an untried treatment for a disease that doesn't exist. It may be a policy change in politics or education or security, but we have to do something. “Don't just stand there, do something.” No one is comfortable wasting the time to find out if what they heard is really true. They'd prefer to look for the solution before they've explored the problem. So there will be a committee, or a law, or some new bureaucratic regulations. But it's better to be safe than sorry. After all, what can go wrong?

Oh well. That's the way we are. I'll tell it to the judge.