Love And Marriage

It shouldn't be taken as cause and effect. It's just coincidence. My last essay dealt with the death sentence and this one with marriage. But there's no relationship between the two. At least not in this case. (The Gentleman doth protest too much, methinks? Nah. The essay is all true. And I consider being called a “Gentleman” an insult.)

Sex, love, and marriage. They're three very different states and acts, but there are also times when they're connected. The order of the three, however, – if, in fact, all apply in a particular instance – is quite variable. What used to be conventional, and is still often the case, is love, marriage, and sex (l/m/s).

The original pattern, which pre-existed any emotional or legal attachments, was sex. Period. It was practiced throughout the animal kingdom – usually, but not invariably – without any hint of monogamy. It was instinctual and enjoyable, and contributed to the survival of the species. And, prior to the institution of religion and secular law, unaccompanied sex was also the pattern among members of our species. (Unaccompanied by love or marriage. Wash your mind out with soap if you put another construction than that on my words.)

But homo sapiens became “civilized,” and adopted the trappings of a civilized society. And that society demanded formalization of the pattern and the creation of the family. (The pattern was formalized at least on paper – or pottery or parchment – however less “civilized” practices persisted off the books.) But that pattern (l/m/s) has withered as the polite rules of society have broken down. (It may have worked in my time – and it's still practiced by many – however it no longer seems to be the standard.) People are less “hung up” on the strictures that previous generations mouthed. The taboos of the past are gone. What used to be called “free love” – now simply termed “benefits” – is considered the norm. The incidence of “out-of-wedlock” babies and single parent families has risen rapidly in recent decades, and the rate of abortions has also grown in order to clean up the mess that our new morality encourages. Sexual mores (read: “more sex”) have changed, times have changed, and so have societal expectations.

A rabbi I heard (I can't remember who it was) pointed out the current pattern in American society (and, presumably, others as well), was l/s or s/l, and sometimes m. Pleasure and emotions take precedence over order and the future. In Orthodox Judaism, however, the pattern is the opposite – m/s/l – with marital stability most important and the raising of children a priority over the physical aspects of sex (at least in theory). It results from the disposition to arrange marriages – the province of the parents rather than the participants. Interestingly, divorce rates are lower than the norm and, by definition, so are single parent households. (The same, of course, is true in other cultures that favor arranged marriages.) Not all of the unions are happy or survive, but most do because the expectations of the participants are different from those of other wedded couples. Their commitment is to the marriage and the family, not as much to themselves. Of course the same can be said of many marriages based on love.

The idea of an arranged marriage, however, is anathema to the romantic notions which our society promotes. There's a lot to be said for love, but outside of movies, magazines, and fairy tales, it is, itself, a novelty. Actually movies, magazines, and romantic novels today are more reflective of the new concept of morality than the old. And television seems to be leading the way. Sex seems to be the focus of relationships, with love and marriage only secondary features. Freud would approve. The pleasure principle has triumphed over commitment.

I found the following on the web site of the American Psychological Association. It's adapted from the “Encyclopedia of Psychology.”

Marriage and divorce are both common experiences. In Western cultures, more than 90 percent of people marry by age 50. Healthy marriages are good for couples’ mental and physical health. They are also good for children; growing up in a happy home protects children from mental, physical, educational and social problems. However, about 40 to 50 percent of married couples in the United States divorce. The divorce rate for subsequent marriages is even higher.

(The point is often made that in a home where there is discord, it is better if the parents divorce rather than try to make a go of it for the sake of the children, who will be scarred by the environment in which they are raised. While there's much that can be said for that perspective, a union based on passion rather than pragmatism is more likely to fail and necessitate divorce.)

Robert Epstein, a Senior Research Psychologist at the American Institute for Behavioral Research and Technology reports:

“... feelings of love in arranged marriages tend to gradually increase as time goes on in the relationship, whereas in so called “love marriages,” where attraction is based on passionate emotions, a couple’s feelings for each other typically diminish by as much as fifty percent after only eighteen to twenty-four months of marriage.”

That's not so unexpected since in arranged marriages love was not a consideration prior to the union, whereas in marriages based on love – love often misrepresented in the media and in romanticized mythology and fairy tales – there's a lot of room for unmet expectations and dashed hopes. So if a marriage is based on unrealistic dreams rather than a commitment of a family, it's less likely to survive.

The primary component of a successful marriage is commitment. (My wife and I have been married over 55 years.) Love changes over time and, under the right circumstances, deepens. Finding the right mate based on passion and “love at first sight” is all too often a myth. Mr. Right is in her mind, and Ms. Right in his. Their commitment and cooperation are necessary, along with a reasonable of shared likes and dislikes.

Sex can be a nice bonus, but when it comes to marrying, sex is no substitute for real love – or for the wisdom of one's parents.

Next episode: “The Earth Moved” – At least the sidewalk.