It shouldn't be taken as cause and
effect. It's just coincidence. My last essay dealt with the death
sentence and this one with marriage. But there's no relationship
between the two. At least not in this case. (The Gentleman doth
protest too much, methinks? Nah. The essay is all true. And I
consider being called a “Gentleman” an insult.)
Sex,
love, and marriage. They're three very different states and acts,
but there are also times when they're connected. The order of the
three, however, – if, in fact, all apply in a particular instance –
is quite variable. What used to be conventional, and is still often
the case, is love, marriage, and sex (l/m/s).
The
original pattern, which pre-existed any emotional or legal
attachments, was sex. Period. It was practiced throughout the
animal kingdom – usually, but not invariably – without any hint
of monogamy. It was instinctual and enjoyable, and contributed to
the survival of the species. And, prior to the institution of
religion and secular law, unaccompanied sex was also the pattern
among members of our species. (Unaccompanied by love or marriage.
Wash your mind out with soap if you put another construction than
that on my words.)
But
homo sapiens became
“civilized,” and adopted the trappings of a civilized society.
And that society demanded formalization of the pattern and the
creation of the family. (The pattern was formalized at least on
paper – or pottery or parchment – however less “civilized”
practices persisted off the books.) But that pattern (l/m/s) has
withered as the polite rules of society have broken down. (It may
have worked in my time – and it's still practiced by many –
however it no longer seems to be the standard.) People are less
“hung up” on the strictures that previous generations mouthed.
The taboos of the past are gone. What used to be called “free
love” – now simply termed “benefits” – is considered the
norm. The incidence of “out-of-wedlock” babies and single parent
families has risen rapidly in recent decades, and the rate of
abortions has also grown in order to clean up the mess that our new
morality encourages. Sexual mores (read: “more sex”) have
changed, times have changed, and so have societal expectations.
A
rabbi I heard (I can't remember who it was) pointed out the current
pattern in American society (and, presumably, others as well), was
l/s or s/l, and sometimes m. Pleasure and emotions take precedence
over order and the future. In Orthodox Judaism, however, the pattern
is the opposite – m/s/l – with marital stability most important
and the raising of children a priority over the physical aspects of
sex (at least in theory). It results from the disposition to arrange
marriages – the province of the parents rather than the
participants. Interestingly, divorce rates are lower than the norm
and, by definition, so are single parent households. (The same, of
course, is true in other cultures that favor arranged marriages.)
Not all of the unions are happy or survive, but most do because the
expectations of the participants are different from those of other
wedded couples. Their commitment is to the marriage and the family,
not as much to themselves. Of course the same can be said of many
marriages based on love.
The
idea of an arranged marriage, however, is anathema to the romantic
notions which our society promotes. There's a lot to be said for
love, but outside of movies, magazines, and fairy tales, it is,
itself, a novelty. Actually movies, magazines, and romantic novels
today are more reflective of the new concept of morality than the
old. And television seems to be leading the way. Sex seems to be
the focus of relationships, with love and marriage only secondary
features. Freud would approve. The pleasure principle has triumphed
over commitment.
I
found the following on the web site of the American
Psychological Association.
It's adapted from the “Encyclopedia of Psychology.”
Marriage
and divorce
are both common experiences. In Western cultures, more than 90
percent of people marry by age 50. Healthy marriages are good for
couples’ mental and physical health. They are also good for
children; growing up in a happy home protects children from mental,
physical, educational and social problems. However, about 40 to 50
percent of married couples in the United States divorce. The divorce
rate for subsequent marriages is even higher.
(The
point is often made that in a home where there is discord, it is
better if the parents divorce rather than try to make a go of it for
the sake of the children, who will be scarred by the environment in
which they are raised. While there's much that can be said for that
perspective, a union based on passion rather than pragmatism is more
likely to fail and necessitate divorce.)
Robert
Epstein, a Senior Research Psychologist at the American
Institute for Behavioral Research and Technology
reports:
“...
feelings
of love in arranged marriages tend to gradually increase as time goes
on in the relationship, whereas in so called “love marriages,”
where attraction is based on passionate emotions, a couple’s
feelings for each other typically diminish by as much as fifty
percent after only eighteen to twenty-four months of marriage.”
That's
not so unexpected since in arranged marriages love was not a
consideration prior to the union, whereas in marriages based on love
– love often misrepresented in the media and in romanticized
mythology and fairy tales – there's a lot of room for unmet
expectations and dashed hopes. So if a marriage is based on
unrealistic dreams rather than a commitment of a family, it's less
likely to survive.
The
primary component of a successful marriage is commitment. (My wife
and I have been married over 55 years.) Love changes over time and,
under the right circumstances, deepens. Finding the right mate based
on passion and “love at first sight” is all too often a myth.
Mr. Right is in her mind,
and Ms. Right in his. Their commitment and cooperation are
necessary, along with a reasonable of shared likes and dislikes.
Sex
can be a nice bonus, but when it comes to marrying, sex is no
substitute for real love – or for the wisdom of one's parents.
Next
episode: “The Earth Moved” – At least the sidewalk.
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