Say It Again

If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times. And I suspect that my wife secretly rues the fact that she's heard it a thousand times. Maybe more.

Speaking of facts, that's a fact of life. It's a common – perhaps universal – “malady” that increases with age. And it's not a disease, but a reflection of the fact that humans, like other forms of life, are predictable.

But first, let me take a quick digression into “habit.” We're all, as the cliché says, its “creatures.” There are many acts we perform without thought. Whether it's nail-biting, smoking, grabbing the banister when climbing or descending stairs, or sitting in a particular chair in the living room; whether it's self-imposed or taught by others – like parents, for example – habits are situational responses which aren't accompanied by conscious thought or decision making. You just do them at the appropriate time.

In this instance I'm referring to is the way we verbally interact. And in many situations we do so based on a kind of habit – an automatic response to some verbal (or other) stimulus. Social occasions follow certain highly superficial rituals. They begin with an introduction and early “ice breakers” to get the conversation started. You know they're coming, and the responses – at least to the initial inquiries – are factual and forgettable. For the most part they're thought-out, although they often don't require much thought. They're not particularly annoying to those around you, because they tend to be brief and factual. “I come from Sheboygan.” “It's in Wisconsin, on Lake Michigan.” “Chicago? About 140 miles south.”

So far so good. But then you hear yourself singing Mention my name in Sheboygan It's the greatest little town in the world. (For those who don't know, it's a song from 1947.) It's not been asked of you, and you didn't think about it, but it always seems to come out when you're discussing the place in which you grew up. Perhaps it started as an affectation, a “clever” way of hiding your anxiety. But now it's automatic – virtually Pavlovian. The circumstances of the discussion of your home town are irrelevant. Somehow or other you begin singing. And your spouse, standing next to you, has heard it so many times before.

Or someone mentions employment in a widget factory, and the work there. “That reminds me of the time ...” and a long, boring story follows. It may even be true. But the words never vary. You've told that story too many times already and you/re not going to change it now. It's easier than actually participating in the conversation, so when you realize that you're in the midst of “an oft-told tale” you simply continue. If it's a shared memory some corrections may follow, but they won't be included the next time you reprise it. You'll do it the same way.

Perhaps you see or hear something that brings back a memory and you launch into the same thing you've said so many times when facing the same stimulus. It may not be a conscious act, but the unconscious association is likely to initiate a fixed and predictable response. Much to the dismay of anyone around.

Such personal responses and stories inhabit all of us. Each of us has a stock of stock stories or comments that anyone who has heard them several times can recite for us. Even the trigger for the telling is apparent to that “anyone,” who knows, before you start, what your reply will be. (“Not again. Can't you say something different? I'm gonna' get a drink. Maybe I'll get drunk.”)

There's another variety of “normal” repetitive speech, one usually saved for your children. “Clean up your room!” “Don't pick your nose.” Turn off the TV and no texting either. It's bedtime.” “If I've told you once I've told you a thousand times (and that's not always hyperbole).” But it's different. It's more a command than a response, and so it will probably be ignored by your spouse. (Often by your child as well.)

Last week I discussed repetitive speech which was pathological and often condemned (rightly or wrongly) by society as requiring therapy. Annoying as the repetition of smart remarks and anecdotes may be, it's normal. And as we get older we'll wind up hearing them more and more often. So if you want to get older, and want your spouse to do so as well, turn down your hearing aid or just don't pay attention. (But if don't turn it down and you pay attention I hope you tell and hear such stories for many years to come.)

But the best strategy is to avoid cocktail parties and any contact with people.

That's my approach.






February 20, 2017