Mixed Grill XXV

Ready or not, here I come. Of course I have to be careful. As Steven Wright said, “The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.” I suspect this means that the plagiarist gets the credit, so here I go.

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Soy, soy, rice – Vegan alternative to Duck, Duck, Goose

Hersterectomy – Feminist version of womb surgery

More bars in more places – New motto of the federal prison system

There's one born every minute – Mumbai Lying-In Hospital

Holy Missal – The Vatican's most powerful weapon

Whore's Feathers – Stripper's Costume

Lucy's Help Section

Q. I just spotted Elvis Presley and told my wife. But she and her sister laughed at me, said he was dead, and it must have been a doppelgänger. I don't like the two of them ganging up on me. Is Elvis still alive, and, if so, where?

A. Elvis's double died. Not the King himself. The same thing happened in the JFK case. Lee Harvey Oswald is still alive but Jack Ruby shot someone who looked like him. By the way, JFK is alive as well and, to answer your question, he's living with Elvis on a grassy knoll in Idaho. And whoever considers either of them a doppelgänger is likely to get it in the umlaut.

Kansas in August – Pitch of the National Corn Growers Association all year around

High-wire walkers – The Wallendas couldn't afford the internet

The Greatest Story Ever Told – On the Origin of the Specious

Forty days and forty knights – Noah, a long orgy, and a round table

Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Clause – And if you go back to bed I'll show you what he brought for you

Word series – The writing of James Joyce

Whisper while you work – Librarians' code

Bibleheads – Religious dashboard decorations

Bali High – Secondary education in Denpasar

He or She – Not “they”

Spot at red light – If there ain't no fuzz around, don't waste your time

Person of the cloth – One who would convince you to take things at faith value

River Slide – Attraction at new water park. Check your Magnum.

Hare today, gone tomorrow – I'll get that pesky wabbit

Three's a crowd – But a full house is even more crowded

Darn the torpedoes – Thomas and Henrietta, if they had lived until Mobile

Whenever I feel the urge to exercise I lie down until it goes away (attributed to Mark Twain but, according to Snopes, he didn't say it. Whoever said it, however, it's wise advice)

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More to come – like it or not.

March 19, 2017