Wishing Your Life Away

Way back, many decades ago, in an issue of a periodical (Coronet I think), I read an article that criticized the practice we have of looking forward to particular events and longing for the time when those chores and events we disliked would be over and out of the way and we could move on to the joys. We were, the article said, wishing our lives away. We jumped forward to the favorable while attempting to speed past the unpleasant. We were disregarding the present and living for the future. It was a nice homily, though I don't agree with it all.

Regarding “the Rav” (Rabbi Joseph Soloveitchik), the following was told to me by Rabbi Gedalyah Berger,

I heard the story from my uncle, who said that the Rav said that Jews (maybe davka [specifically] American Jews?) don't want to daven [to pray] – they want to be up-gedavent [they want to have prayed]

They did not question the validity and importance of the prayers, and they would certainly say them, but it was so much better when they were done and people could go on with their lives. They, too, were wishing their lives away.

The idea that there are good events for which we can't wait – we want to fast-forward to them – and others that we wish were out of the way, deleted, is pervasive. I suspect it's always been this way, and always will be. We're eager for the good times and happy to dismiss those that annoy us.

To a degree I concur with the author of the article but not completely.

My disagreement stems from the fact that I know my days are numbered. That's really true of everyone. From the day we're born – actually from the day we're conceived – it's all downhill. We don't see it that way most of the time. We act as if we're immortal and all we need to do is focus on what's going on in our lives and what we anticipate. We rarely consider the possibility of death. All's well and such thoughts are irrelevant.

Thought processes change when a clock is introduced – when the inevitable, but undreamed of, end becomes not only a realistic possibility but a likelihood. That's where I am now. I'm at Kübler-Ross's fifth step – acceptance. I'm going to die. Not necessarily soon, but sooner rather than later. I'm past three-score and ten, so I have no reason to gripe. And I know that the same G-d Who made the good also make the bad, so basically I've been fortunate. All I can do is pray that what follows will be what I want. I know it will be what G-d “wants.”

Having said that, however, it's important to me that I describe how my perception of time has changed. I fear the bad that I face, but I know that it will eventually come. In the meantime I feel much the same as everyone else in respect to looking forward to the good. But it's not that I long for the celebrations to come. More accurately, I put them on my calendar of events that I hope to enjoy. But I'm in no rush to reach them because I know that this reflects a kind of wish to shorten my life – and I'm not eager to do so. They're goals, but not what I want to be end points. My preference would be to go from goal to goal – from one joyous event to the next for whatever time is remaining. Perhaps treatment will be successful and my time will be extended, but I can't depend on that possibility.

In the meanwhile, I'm living every day as it comes. Like most other people I'm living in the present, but different from them I'm not simply going through time until something is out of the way. Or something desirable is achieved. I'm not killing time – in fact time is killing me. The same is true of everyone else, but most people don't realize it.

So for now it's “one day at a time,” and the wishful anticipation of joyous events to come. The concept is no different from that of others, but the perspective is a little different. What others may see as an obligatory journey with high and low points, and with a desire to focus on the high, I consider a gift to be enjoyed as it comes. I'm eager to celebrate the joyous days and to celebrate the accomplishments of those I love, but I'm less eager to reach them. They'll come when they come, and I certainly hope they'll come, but I'm in no rush. The immediate challenge is to make the most of each day that I am blessed with – good or bad.

And to take my time. I don't want to wish my life away.






April 2, 2017