That's All There Is

I'm dying. But so are you.

Déjà vu? It's not an original thought, but I admit I used the same words in Various Thoughts XIII on August 3^rd, 2017. Then it was theoretical and intellectual, but now it's for real. If it hasn't happened already. Consequently this will be my last post. If I have anything to say in the meantime I'll slip it in between essays already scheduled for publication.

First of all, I've been very lucky. (My wife, too. We've shared in our good fortune.) I have cancer. Death is inevitable and isn't worth wasting space on. But we've had (that's me and Phyllis) over fifty-seven years together, and they've been good years. We have three children, thirteen grandchildren, and two great grandchildren so far, and all have been good kids. No drugs or other of the evil signs of the times. All have remained faithful to their faith, and their propects look good. They love our people and they love Israel. I couldn't be more proud.

So what prompts this message? I've been losing weight despite attempts not to do so, and having some pains and discomforts I can't explain. Perhaps it's nothing but I doubt it. I'll report the findings to my doctor and get her take on the situation. And undergo the tests and whatever therapies she proposes.

In the interim, however, I've decided to record some thoughts I have. If you've been reading this blog, none of them will surprise you, but I wanted to jot them down anyway. They're about me rather than the disease and will explain a little more about who I am. As for my style in this essay, it's likely to be erratic. I'll record my ideas as I think of them, and that means they may not be in any logical sequence.

I live in a blue state but I'm purple – disappointed in the “new liberalism” (populism and antisemitism) of the left and attracted by some of the policy positions of the conservatives. I agree with concerns over the needy, in a religious and human way (and based on my upbringing in a liberal household), but I don't think protests and throwing money at them is the answer. On the other hand I support a more conservative view of our economy and national strength, but oppose our thumbing our nose at the rest of the world. I support Israel which has become the convenient target of antisemites and of the left in general – especially out of our country – even if I don't support all of Israel's policies. But I should add that I don't support all of our country's policies either and I consider myself a patriotic American.

Like most conservatives I'm old-fashioned. My clothing is stodgy and square. It's not unusual for me to be one of the few who wears a suit and tie to Shabbat and Yom Tov services. I relate better to the values and customs of my youth (including the music) than what is currently in style. I know the same can be said of every generation that preceded mine, and that this will always be the case, but I cannot help feeling that we're moving too fast – especially in our tendency to declare all dissidents to be right, and those who consider themselves oppressed to be declared protected minorities. I regret our inclination to protest whatever we don't like – and that's a very recent development – rather than to try to work with those we oppose. Ideology has taken precedence over common sense.

I'm Jewish, which you may have deduced from what I've written here, or learned from previous essays where it has been expressed unequivocally. I try to follow the precepts handed down to us by our sages. It's what I do, and I'll continue doing it as long as I can. I'm a creature of habit, and Judaism provides habits which resonate with me – habits I love. But I'm a little troubled that most, if not all, of the laws were written by humans. Even those attributed to G-d have been recorded – if not formulated – by humans. They may have been inspired, brilliant, and wise, but they were human and passed down to us, often with commentary, by people like us. No matter. What they say makes sense and seems fair. Admittedly we judge them using human not divine standards, but that's all we have. They tell us there is a G-d but it's not something we can confirm independently. It still doesn't matter. And, of course, I have no concept of death. The idea of an afterlife seems to have come about as a reaction to Christianity. That doesn't make it wrong but it's hard to ignore the fact that it wasn't mentioned in our early teachings.

I'd like to believe that there is such an afterlife and that it is a continuation of this one, similar to what is taught children. But I suspect that if there is such an existence it would totally unrelated to the one we are living now and we'll have no knowledge of this one or the people we knew. We have no knowledge of what happened before we were born and there is no reason to believe that we'll remember this life after it ends. But who knows. Human thought and logic don't apply. (FOR MY FAMILY: There's a lot more on my views of the subject on the Asus and on my flash drives. See Thoughts.doc. It's in “documents” on the open Office menu for drive C, and in “The Imperious Loudmouth” menus on the flash drives.)

I live (or lived, as the case may be) in Mount Vernon, New York, and in the same house for over forty-seven years (as of the time of this writing). I decided long ago that I'll never move because that would entail cleaning out the attic, and I'm not prepared to do so. It will be my children's problem and give them the chance to find all my old secrets, as well as some items that may have accumulated value over the years. It will also give them the opportunity to bump their heads. But they'll be careful. They were reared in this house and know their way around, so they know where to look and what to look for.

I have an agreement with Phyllis (full disclosure: it's not really an agreement but a demand I've made) that I'll die first. She keeps the books (she's far more organized that I) and I'd never be able to manage our affairs without her. I suspect it will be far easier to live without me than without her, although I know that a period of mourning will delay any immediate consideration of the issue.

Sadly, Phyllis is ill as well. Diagnosed much more recently than I, but ill nonetheless. Hence there will be a race. We both want it to be a marathon rather than a sprint, but that is out of our hands. To the loser belong the problems.

I probably should express some of my wishes for my family and for the world. None will be either original or unexpected, but all of them are deeply felt. For my beloved wife I wish happiness and a long life. I trust her therapy will be helpful in this regard and keep her symptoms and her disease from progressing. She's dedicated herself to working for the community and to the lives of others, and deserves the best for herself as well. I hope that she'll have the companionship that will make her happy. I know she has many friends through her Medicare counseling position and from members of the community. And, of course, the love and concern that she'll receive from our family.

As for that family, I wish unity. And mutual love and concern. I love them all. I hope they (and the rest of those who can do so for that matter) make an effort to care for the needy and afflicted wherever they may be. I mentioned earlier that they were all good and we were lucky. I pray that our luck will continue. Our grandchildren, at least some of them, are working out their plans for life and I wish them well. And all of my children and grandchildren have shown their attachment to the Jewish People and to the land of Israel. I couldn't be more pleased.

My wishes for the world are equally grandiose – though I am less sanguine about their accomplishment. I fear that my wish for world peace will never reach fruition. There are always power-seeking and self-absorbed people who will seek to enrich themselves at the expense of others. For them the power they feel while ruling a country and making it victorious over others will always exist, and it will prevent the compromises and accommodations necessary for us all to lay down our swords and join hands.

I am also concerned that prejudices will remain despite every effort to eliminate them. Antisemitism has been around for millennia and is achieving new strength as large nations and brainwashed people search for a convenient scapegoat to which they can point. Nations do it to distract their constituents from the real problems they face. Individuals pass their biases on to their children – biases they were taught by their parents and their leaders.

What I really want will take a miracle. It is that people learn to work together; that they learn to compromise for everyone's good; that they accept the idea that they cannot have everything they want but can contribute to the good of others. I believe in absolutes – at least some absolutes. I believe that in the DNA of all humans are instructions about how to live with our neighbors. After all, rules about human interactions are common to all of us. And they tend to be very similar. It's a human instinct. There are some outliers, with damaged DNA, who don't accept those absolutes, but most of us do. Perhaps evolution will ultimately rid humanity of its morally damaged. That is my hope and my wish.

My consolations are that I believe there is a G-d and that, from time to time, He authors miracles.


PS.  Irrespective of what I've said, check next week to see if there are more posts.

Enjoy!

August 7, 2017