Believe it or not, I've finally figured out what women are good for.
At least apart from the obvious.i
After years of study of the female language, and the translation of that language to Man,ii I've come to the conclusion that we (men) have quite a bit to learn from women. And, by copyingiii their other techniques we can accomplish a lot.
As an example of what we can learn, consider the following hypothetical conversationiv between me and my wife:
M(e): “Beautiful day for a ride.”
S(he): “After driving around for three quarters of an hour is that all you can say?”
M: “What's the problem? Isn't the weather beautiful?”
S: “The problem is that we're driving in circles. You have no idea where we're going.”
M: “I'm sure we're almost there.”
S: “What makes you so sure? We've never been in Butte before.”
M: “How hard can it be. We'll be there in no time.”
S: “At the rate we're going we'll be there at no time. Ask that woman over there for directions.”
M: “That's not necessary. I can do it on my own.”
S: “You said that half an hour ago. If you don't want to get help from a woman, ask the man on the far corner. We really should get help from someone who knows the neighborhood.”
M: “I can figure it out on my own. Stop nagging.”
S: “At least turn on the GPS navigator I got for you.”
M: “All right, if that will shut you up. But I really don't need it.”
Of course I needed it, but I'm a man and I couldn't admit that. It involved a loss of face. And to a woman. Unthinkable. But by acceding to her “nagging” I was able to do what I had actually wanted to do long before that,v even though I couldn't suggest it myself. By grudgingly accepting her “unnecessary” interference, I wound up getting the help I had maintained I didn't need. After all, I could have done it on my own. (And if you put an infinite number of monkeys on typewriters they could write Shakespeare. Not his works but his name – if you're lucky and have a lot of time at your disposal.)
And, of course, that's not all. Many times I've seen my wife snacking after dinner because she didn't get enough to eat. There wasn't enough for the two of us but she gave me a “man-sized” portion and took the leftovers for herself. She didn't say anything about it, but I noticed. I didn't say anything either except to ask her if she had enough. Naturally she said yes and I was relieved. I knew better than to pursue the subject.
Whether I leave the toilet seat up or have to be reminded of an appointment or other obligation, I'm not concerned. Though I may be gently chided, the repercussions of my inattention are usually – though not always – minimal. In any case I deny any responsibility. For example, I just don't need as much time to prepare to go out as my wife does. She takes too long anyhow. I never forget we're going out, but I don't see any reason to rush since I'd just have to wait for her anyhow. That's why I haven't started to get ready. I know about our appointment. It's her fault, not mine.
Anyway, that's the way it is. I'm a man, and I can do it on my own. I don't need help. I'll take it if offered, but only resentfully. It's a concession to her.vi
“Your car keys are on the windowsill near the bookcase.”
“I know that. I've been walking instead of driving the last three days to get more exercise. What do you think I am? An idiot?”
Fortunately, she didn't answer.
Next episode: “Come Fly With Me” – No. I don't mean “Come fly me.”
i I'm not referring to sex, important as it may be, but to other abilities. Though our interests, skills, and problem-solving techniques are different, there is certainly equality of intelligence between men and women. If that of women is not greater. The purpose of this essay is to explore some of the differences. Some may view it as condescending. It isn't meant that way. After over fifty years of marriage and frustration with behavior that I viewed as inferior to my own, I realized that I (hard as it may be to believe) wasn't perfect. In fact much of what I did would have been impossible without being pointed in the right direction. Perhaps that's the greatest difference between the sexes. Men favor action – though it isn't always directed accurately. Women have better aim.
ii First of all, Man is a language. It is somewhat more straightforward than Woman. A yes-no question can be answered by a single word rather than by a paragraph which doesn't really respond to the original question but usually involves asking a question in response. But more to the point, here are some examples of my translation: “Wouldn't you like” (in Woman) means “I want,” (to a man) “Do you think … ?” means “I want,” and “Don't you think … ?” means “I want and so do you.” “Thank you, but you didn't have to ...” means “All right. You can live another year.” See also “Invitation To The Dance” (a previous blog – seven or eight months ago).
iii “Aping” is probably a better word when talking about men.
iv There is no relationship between the following dialog and any real conversation. It is purely fictional and any similarity to a real conversation is coincidental.
v Actually, I was angry at her for not nagging sooner. We could have saved a lot of time if she weren't so pig-headed as to let me blunder on my own.
vi I'm good that way.
No comments:
Post a Comment
I know you agree, but you can leave comments anyway.