The Bottom Line

                                                                                                 

Some time back I wrote about parentingⁱ and, in light of recent experience, I thought I'd address one aspect of the subject again. One point I made then was that I thought that properly administered corporal punishment (spanking) could be a useful and an appropriate tool.

Yes, I know that many consider it to be abuse. And I am also aware that there are many studies that condemn spanking, suggesting that it is associated with negative outcomes for the children, including aggressiveness as adults. Ever since the time of Dr. Spock – and probably well before – it has been the practice of many to speak to their kids rather than punish them; to treat them like adults. The reality, of course, is that they are not adults,ⁱⁱ though some who have survived many more years than they act like children.

But before I discuss the issue, let me relate the “recent experience” which I mentioned. No, I have not had any children lately. But my wife and I hosted my daughter and her family (one husband and five children between twenty-two months and twelve and a half years. They've gone home now after three weeks and my eardrums are recovering. I had small children once (a long time ago) so I know what's likely to happen, but my tolerance for such shenanigans isn't what it used to be. Testing is expected, but sometimes it goes too far. There was no striking of the children but there was much yelling and screaming – both from the parents and the children. The dynamic was very different from “the old days” when children would “be seen but not heard.” Perhaps spanking is now frowned upon, but that's the way it was.

In the interim, however, the practices of parents vis-à-vis their children have changed – largely in response to the opinions of “experts,” governments, the courts, social workers, and meddling neighbors. There are those who view children as small adults who should be treated as such, with logic rather than aversive therapy; with the tongue rather than the hand. Indeed, in the country where the children were born and are being reared,ⁱⁱⁱ corporal punishment of children by parents, is unlawful.^iv Whether or not that's the reason for the attitudes of parents and children,^v there are several countries that have accepted this kind of policy.^vi (It's of interest, however, that spanking is legal in all of the United States as well as most of the world.)

Let me clarify what I mean by “spanking,” since the reader may assume that I am calling for wholesale battery for all offenses by all children. First of all, spanking should never be the first line of defense. It should be used selectively and only occasionally. Most children act like children, and most make honest mistakes that they regret. It is important that adults not act like children and that they avoid mistakes that they might regret. Parents should be able to recognize such “normal” rowdyism and unintended actions and deal with them in a non-violent manner. In most cases a stern rebuke^vii will be taken to heart by a child who feels he is in a safe environment and has loving parents. A discussion of the problem may be all that is necessary to help both parent and child understand what happened, and it may lead to a fruitful plan for future behavior for both.

On occasion, however, further steps are necessary. For some, who are convinced that corporal punishment will turn their children into abusive bullies, the “further step” that is employed is yelling and threatening. I don't place much stock in it. Children who are testing are quick to learn when they are facing a paper tiger – when the bark is worse than the bite. We teach them to walk away from those who taunt them, with the knowledge that “names will never hurt you,” but the same (it won't hurt you) applies to parental screaming. It's full of sound and fury, but in the end it signifies nothing. Except for teaching them that yelling and screaming are acceptable tools. A child who is yelled at, but knows that he has nothing to lose, will yell back, and yell at other times.

Spanking, however, and sending a child to his room,^viii make it clear what is unacceptable, and demonstrate that there are consequences for that kind of behavior. I know that many – perhaps most – experts disagree, but I am convinced that there is a place for corporal punishment when other forms of control are ineffective. The parent is usually bigger than the child he is spanking, so fighting back will not be a very useful tool for the child. As for the punishment itself, in this instance I agree with most of the experts. It should usually be imposed on smaller children – between two and six years old – and with an open hand on the rump. And it should be used only occasionally. (If an older child requires punishment, other means should be sought, or if it is needed frequently, consultation with a psycholgist may be appropriate.) As I emphasized in my prior blog, “Properly performed (relatively early in their development and never on the face), accompanied by an explanation of the offense, and followed by a display and declaration of love, this is likely to achieve the goal of order in the household along with an understanding of the hierarchy and the importance of following the rules.”

It is normal for children to distrust authority. “Because I said so” won't seem a logical justification for some acts you require of them and which they are resisting, but there are many times, especially when danger is involved, when a long discussion is not reasonable and when the imposition of authority is necessary. Children may dislike and distrust authority, but they must learn to repect it and, on occasion, to fear it.^ix And they will usually benefit from the setting of limits and the imposition of enforced guidelines. In fact they probably seek them. That's what testing is all about.

One final word. If a child's behavior is too different from what you expect, consult your pediatrician. The problem may be your expectations, or it may be a condition involving the child – one that requires remediation. In either case, the sooner the situation is evaluated, the better for you both.

But, as to the bottom line, spanking, though not a first choice, should remain a choice.

Next episode: “Rights And Wrongs” – Depends on whose bull is gored.

i      “Parenting For Dummies,” February 6, 2011.

ii      That message was emphasized over and over when I was on my pediatrics rotation in medical school. They have different diseases, are in different stages of development, have limited experience, and very different interests from adults.

iii     Israel

iv     Wikipedia. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Corporal_punishment_in_the_home. See also http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spanking.

v       I've never discussed this legislation with them so I don't know if they're aware of it, or if that it is the reason for their behavior.

vi      Wikipedia, ibid. See footnote iv.

vii     Rebuke, not yelling.

viii    Nowadays we impose “time outs,” but they're no different from the “Go to your room!” of old.

ix      There are many with whom such an idea will not sit well, but even those who practice civil disobedience, who violate the law in the hope of changing it for the better, expect to be punished by properly constituted civil authorities. The law is the law and should be respected, along with the authorities who imposed it.