I've Got A Bridge

The following special reports are submitted for your edification.

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According to NASA, efforts to obtain increased funding for additional probes of Mars have not been fruitful. They announced, however, that there have been several probes of Earth by vehicles from Mars.

The Nobel Peace Prize has been awarded jointly to Billie Jean King and Bobbie Riggs. They just beat out Betty Friedan and Hugh Hefner. It is likely that the prize next year will go to Bashar Hafez al-Assad in anticipation of a reduction of murders and chemical attacks.

Iran has sent planes over Israel and dropped several nuclear weapons, destroying the state. The US noted that it deplores the action and it has protested. The UN has initiated steps to withdraw membership since Israel no longer exists.

Time's Person of the Year is Zelig.

The FAA has approved the use of drones for garbage pickup in sites more than 3000 feet from an established airport.

A man in Nebraska who won the $1.2 billion Powerball jackpot has announced that he is giving the entire winnings to charity.

Hell freezes over. Pigs fly.

The Los Angeles Dodgers announced today that the team will be returning to Brooklyn next season.

To ensure appropriate representation, officers of a major LGBTQ organization have demanded that one of their members be appointed to the Supreme Court. The move, they aver, will ensure diversity, and the court will look more like a cross-section of America.

During the past week, building on work done recently in Washington, there has been increased cooperation between Democrats and Republicans in Congress. Compromise has become the watchword, and the idea of ideologically-based legislation and voting was condemned by those on both sides of the aisle.

Newly available are blueprints and programs for the manufacture of sex toys using new 3D printing techniques. In addition, it has been announced that there will soon be available all that is necessary for 3D printers to produce 3D printers. Robots are being developed to perform all required actions and no human intervention will be necessary.

Effective immediately, Colorado will permit the use of recreational heroin and cocaine. Oregon recently voted to allow the sale of arsenic and cyanide for unrestricted use.

A study by economists at the New York Stock Exchange has demonstrated that in the current market climate the averages are likely to go up, down, or sideways. They don't anticipate that their research will have a marked effect on the market during the current quarter.

The Chicago Cubs, having recently won the World Series, are expected to move to Los Angeles where they will replace the Dodgers. They will be crowned as “America's Team.”

Mexico now bans immigration by Americans. Drybacks, six packs, and saw bucks are prohibited, although officials appear to be willing (unofficially) to permit some wealthy gringos to enter as illegal aliens.

Congress voted to amend the Constitution to remove a lower age limit on voting in Federal elections. Individuals will be evaluated on the basis of their maturity. Courses in maturity will be initiated shortly by Kaplan and other other such enterprises. A march by the poor has been announced where it will be demands that such courses be funded by the government and available without cost. The individual evaluation of prospective voters is expected to require the government to hire tens of thousands of new employees, but it's considered a good investment in order to increase interest in suffrage. The approval of three quarters of the states will be required to complete the amendment process. No significant opposition is anticipated, although AARP has expressed some doubt.

January 27, 2017