As Luck Would Have It

I ache. My hands, arms, and shoulders hurt. My back hurts. I'm slower than I used to be. I wake up a lot during the night and need naps during the day. It's my new normal. I'm getting older. And I'm too old to die young.

I'm lucky. I'm getting older. Not everyone is so fortunate. And I do consider it fortunate. As the saying goes, “Consider the alternative.” Although, admittedly, some people would prefer that alternative, it's not for me. That's probably because for all my complaining I'm basically in good health. When I got up this morning (and, in fact, I did get up this morningⁱ), I began the same daily activities as every other day; but I cannot imagine not doing so. The entire concept of death completely eludes me. And, to be perfectly honest, it frightens me. Not that I anticipate punishment, or Hell, or anything like that, but I'll deal with that issue later.

First let me note that I'm still alive. That didn't have to be the case. I survived an airplane accident a little over forty-six years ago. I was learning how to fly at the time (I later got a private pilot's license) and I had really screwed up.ⁱⁱ Fortunately the plane landed upside down in some trees and it never hit the ground.ⁱⁱⁱ There were some broken bones as well as cuts and bruises, and a very injured ego, but I was alive. All I could conclude – apart from the fact that I still had a lot to learn – was that there was something I had been created to do, even if I didn't know what it was. And I hadn't done it yet.

The same lesson was driven home a couple of years ago when I passed out while driving^iv on an interstate. There was the same result as with the plane – the car was totaled but I came out of the experience with little more than embarrassment. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I guess I haven't yet accomplished what's expected of me, and I hope I don't for at least another fifty years or so.^v Maybe forever.

But that's because I find that being old isn't as bad as I expected. The DNA with which I was born has not inflicted any horrible disability on me, and I've not suffered any noticeable diseases secondary to subsequent mutations. Admittedly, the Golden Years aren't what they used to be. When they were far off in the distance they could be seen clearly as a time to kick up your heels with no responsibilities, only leisure time. Now I find that all the duffers curse them. Not me, though. I'm in reasonably good health and all systems are go. (Well, actually, they're not all always go, but I'll omit further discussion of that point.) I have the UFDs^vi and I need larger print and better light when reading. Indeed. The glass is more than half full.

Clearly, there's a lot to say that's positive about the current period of my life. Since I'm retired every day is a day off,^vii and because my hair (what little I have) is white sometimes people offer me a seat (but usually not – times have changed.). I can catch up on the things I put off until retirement, but retirement makes days off meaningless.^viii I can plead physical weakness to get out of work at home. And if I forget something, or claim I forgot, I have an excuse.^ix

On the other hand, there's a down side to the idea that times change. These are (or will be) the “good old days” for today's youth. That's depressing. To think that some of the “music” we hear now will be revered in the future. And it will be even worse then. Gimme a break.

But I've been dancing around the subject long enough. However I may wish to put it off, death will inevitably come. I loudly proclaim my intent to live forever, but I don't take myself any more seriously than those who hear me. They smile, but I doubt that they think any further on the subject. By and large they're younger than I, and they have other concerns at the moment. They'll get around to it in good time.^x

As I noted, I don't fear any particular retribution I might incur because of the acts I've committed. I've done my best to follow the rules, both the secular and the religious ones. I sometimes fail – we all do – but I try. I even wait for the light to turn green before I cross the street. Still I anticipate and I dread what I consider the ultimate destiny. Let me explain.

Like so many before me I've tried to imagine the possible scenarios I face and evaluate them. I'll mention a few. I'm not so arrogant as to believe that there aren't many more, including whatever will actually happen. Many constructs are based on the various cultures and religions of the world. This, however, is the best I can do – and it's not too promising.

First, of course, is the “Family Circus” model – Grandpa, who interacts happily with all the others who have “passed,” is seen standing on the cloud looking down on those he loves – kvelling^xi over their accomplishments. Everything is divine. “He” (actually all the dead) continues in his awareness of all that's happening to those he knows and loves.^xii,xiii But with family life here in such disarray, it's not clear where his attention will be turned. And if life wasn't so great, it's similarly questionable whether he'll derive any pleasure at all from the experience.

Perhaps we'll be involved in the Heaven/Hell, reward/punishment script. It's somewhat more complex than that of “Family Circus” but sort of related. It may require the listing of our virtues and sins, and review by a heavenly court. In the end, there will be judgment of each of us with a fate based on the balance of our acts. Our focus will be on what happens to us. As we enjoy/endure the world to come, we'll have no interest in the world we left.

In the reward/punishment scheme, my religion, Judaism, posits that the worthy ones will sit in paradise and learn with the sages of the past. Learning is the ultimate reward, and it brings us closer to G-d. Still, this model has problems. Learning is an occupation of men, and I don't know what would represent paradise for women. Or for those who died in infancy or childhood before establishing enough of a record on which to be judged. Perhaps they contain “recycled” souls, and they'll be judged on actions during one or more of their previous incarnations.^xiv Who knows?

The most frightening of all the ideas is the most straightforward. Death is the end. “That's all there is. There isn't any more.”^xv It's eternal nothingness. When you say “goodbye” to everyone it's really goodbye.^xvi That's the scientific answer. It's all over and you never know it.

With that in mind, I think I'll go back to my plan to live forever. Maybe I'll be lucky enough to achieve it. I think there's still something I have to do. I just don't know what it is.

Next episode: “Niggers Ain't So Bad" -- There's got to be a better way to say it.

I       At least that's the case at the time of this writing.

ii       The silver lining was that I was alone, so no one witnessed my fall from grace and no one was injured by my incompetence.

iii      Nonetheless it was totaled, even if I wasn't.

iv       Extensive medical tests afterward demonstrated no problem. I can only conclude that I fell asleep while driving, even though I wasn't tired. In any event, I have driven a lot since with no incident.

v        Even though I don't know what that is.

vi      Usual Fogey Diseases. When I was young all us kids had the “usual childhood diseases” – measles, mumps, chicken pox, etc. (in truth, I didn't have chicken pox until my early twenties). They were, simply, what was expected. Indeed, parents intentionally had their children exposed to them in order to take the guesswork out of illness.

vii       Of course that means that I don't get vacations, but I have plenty of time to nap.

viii      But I can shoot my mouth off. No consequences and no fear. No one can fire me and, thank G-d, my wife loves me.

ix       And, when it serves my purposes, I can plead poverty and a speak of the limitations of a fixed income.

x        Or, perhaps, as Sir Humphrey Appleby in “Yes, Minister” put it, “In the fullness of time.” That was his way of saying “Never.”

xi        I'm not sure the word is ethnically appropriate, but it's the most descriptive I can imagine.

xii     An extended version would have him aware of everything happening everywhere. The media in paradise would be much more complete and objective than the ones we have here.

xiii     There's a problem, however, with this view and some of the others. Tradition teaches us that we won't know each other. So we won't know our friends and family – whether they're alive or dead. We won't be looking down on them, and we'll be unaware of when they're looking up at us. How we'll recognize the sages with whom we learn I'm not certain (v.i.).

xiv    The concept of multiple incarnations of individual souls brings added complexity to the “Family Circus” idea. If the souls have been around several times, in whom will they be interested as they watch from their cloud? And with whom will they cavort up there?

xv       That was a line in the play “Sunday” (1904-1905), said by Ethel Barrymore. She also used it to end curtain calls.

xvi      Of course that's true with some of the other models as well.