Harebrained Schemes - 1

Harebrained Schemes - 1

Time for a new feature.

Over the years I've had ideas – some serious and some intended as jokes – but I never followed up on them. I suspect that some exist by now (indeed the first one, which I intended as a joke, does, and is, I assume, making money for someone) but most can still be pursued by anyone interested. Every now and then I'll let you in on them, but for now I'll only report on two oldies.

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The first was included in a satirical catalog of Judaica (Taleism East, copyright 2009, although the particular idea is from 1985 or so – I can't remember). The intent was to be humorous rather than practical, but the following now exists. I've seen it. It seems to be a medical product. (Not for amateurs.) I've added some touches (in italics) that I omitted way back then.

BrisKit

As our father Abraham was commanded, so is each man commanded to circumcise his son and bring him into the covenant of the Jewish People. The mitzvah is called Bris Milah, and it is one that is very dear to the Sons of Israel. Although the commandment is directed to the father, most choose to hire a professional, a mohel, to perform the act because of the skill and knowledge essential to do so. No longer is that practice necessary, Now you can perform a bris in the comfort of your own house (and at a considerable savings) and make a Jew of your son. (Though equality of the sexes is the order of the day, a comparable product for your daughter is not available at this time. But be patient. It will be along with our soon to be released transgender kit.)

Included in the kit are a clamp, scalpel, antiseptics, wipes, drapes, wine, and all the small items that are so easy to forget. To make the process easy, there is a clear, well-illustrated, step-by-step manual (now on DVD) to take you through the procedure in a flash. Because it is recognized that the user may not be experienced in surgery, there are also suggestions about how to deal with the unexpected. In fact, at no extra cost, we are including a copy of What To Do Until The Doctor Comes.

For a small additional charge you may purchase an anatomically correct doll which can be used for practice (or several dolls if necessary). A further option which should be considered is malpractice insurance. An application is included with each kit. Also available is a CD containing music for horas which would be appropriate during the procedure, as well as a collection of recipes for the feast afterward.

Pre-salted (and de-salted) vegetables (2008)

Our world is mostly water-covered, yet droughts are common. Often a contributing factor is the need for water to fertilize crops which often require large quantities. Yet we need the crops if the starving in the world are to eat. And we need to make more of the earth's land mass arable.

The water covering our planet is almost entirely salty, yet there are numerous plants and animals that live in it and are able to extract pure water from the saline. They must have genetic material that governs this ability. It would be useful if we could identify that genetic material and extract it, and then attach it to the DNA of existing crops. This would allow us to use sea water to fertilize our crops and preserve the fresh water for human consumption.

There have been marked advances in commercial desalination since 2008, but I wonder if, in planning for the future, genetic modification of our crops so that they would be able to use ocean water would be useful.

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The schemes I've listed are old, but in the future, whenever that is (and it could be in two days or two months) I'll add some more recent ideas.