Harebrained Schemes 6

You thought I'd already listed all my dumb ideas? Wrong. Here's more.

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Science marches on. Kids no longer write with a pen (or pencil) on paper. They text instead. For schoolwork they use a computer. And more and more schools no longer teach penmanship. The time will come when people forget how to write. They no longer have to write checks, paying their bills on line, and the need to sign any document has decreased significantly. Without practice, however, people will never learn how to form their own signature. That's the only handwriting they need. The notary, assuming he or she can write, will take care of the rest. And the computer will do for non-notarized transactions.

Biometric tools, like thumbprints, can get us computer access and are usable for most activities since they can be scanned by computers. But there will remain some occasions when it will be necessary to sign your name, and, in order to satisfy this requirement, I suggest that it be mandated that all elementary schools (or secondary schools if necessary) have signature classes. It's too much to expect that all students will learn to write when they have keyboards to do all the work, but, at least for the time being, it's important that they learn to sign their names.

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Another result of electronic progress involves the computer itself. Innumerable texts and other documents are entered into them all the time, and they contain many of our secrets. We password them in the belief that others will not have access to them, but passwords are stolen and computers are “hacked” all the time. Even when you erase some text it may be preserved and available to others.

The straightforward solution to such a problem is to record such textual material where it cannot be hacked or accessed by someone not authorized to do so. It would have to be off line and in hard copy. To your shouts of praise (I presume) I have just the necessary device in mind and I'll describe it here.

The instrument, which lacks a battery or any electrical connection, is operated manually. It uses the same keypad (actually it's larger and “keyboard” would be a better term) as a standard computer. Instead of placing the input on screen it is put onto paper, which is available for purchase if you have none around. That paper can be stored in a safe cabinet of some sort and is only available to someone who knows of its existence, knows where it can be located, and has access to that site. Since it is never entered into any electronic device it is never available to a stranger trolling the internet or to someone who has access to your computer itself.

I call my miraculous invention a Right Typer.

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Last for today is a realistic proposal for building a barrier on our southern border, since a wall does not appear to be the best approach. It's expensive and unsightly and will take a long time to put in place. It begins with digging, but the trench dug wouldn't be used for a wall's foundation. Rather it would be filled with water and Florida alligators could be resettled there. Thus there would be alligators all around. In the middle there would be electrified spikes which would be triggered by boats in the water. These would puncture the sea craft making them sink while simultaneously alerting our border guards (whose numbers could be decreased). And rather than have to pay the cost of feeding the alligators, our visitors would do that (not pay the fiscal, but the culinary cost). It would be much less expensive and would provide a home for numerous alligators that stir up fear in Florida.

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Now that I've improved the world, I need some rest.