Doing – Part 2

There are other considerations, possibly lower levels in the process of decision-making, but I think not. Habit controls a lot of what we do. We're not conscious of the role it plays, even as we act according to our own long-standing patterns. You may think of it as a personal tradition, but it probably lacks the literary or historical “justification” of a tradition.

Additionally, it's not really habit, but a good deal of control is placed on those of us (and that means me) who are compulsive. It's control exercised by our own brains. Whether it means straightening pictures, picking up pieces of paper from the floor, or, more productively, putting away what we take out, there's a lot to be said for a compulsive personality – and it's not all bad.

And there are community expectations. Many of the things we do are in response to what is expected of us. We may not agree with them or even understand them, but we know that those around us will judge us on their basis. For example, the person with whom you are walking may chide you for not crossing against the light when there is no traffic coming. And you may wonder, as well, whether your actions make sense or if they're simply reflexes.

(Reflexes themselves may be the cause of some of our actions, but I won't address them here.)

But there's another reason. And it has no explanation whatsoever. In fact it's almost embarrassing to discuss and I'm completely unable to vindicate it, but it's probably the best explanation for all my actions. To a degree it's a combination and a distillation of all the other rationales: I do things because that's what I do. I can't always justify what I do, but I know that if I do otherwise I'll have the feeling that I've done something wrong. It doesn't make much sense, but a lot of what I do is aimed at preventing me from feeling guilt.

I've omitted any direct language regarding “right” and “wrong.” A discussion of absolutes is likely to make the problem worse rather than help in its solution. Many would argue that they don't exist – that there are different norms in different societies and all are right. Isaiah Berlin writes (in The Power of Ideas – cited by Sacks)

Herder laid it down that every culture possesses its own centre [sic] of gravity; each culture has its own points of reference … The world was a great garden in which different flowers and plants grew, each in its own way, each with its own claims and rights and past and future. From which which it followed that no matter what men had in common … there were no universally true answers as valid for one culture as for another.

That, however, cannot be completely true. The flowers may look different but they all require water and nutrients. Because they differ morphologically, we should not attribute different needs to them. Nor to societies. There may be differences, but no matter what particular groups may claim, rape and murder are wrong. And the Bible makes it clear that human sacrifice is unacceptable. And whatever the practices of a particular group, cannibalism is condemnable. Some absolutes cross religious and ethnic boundaries, irrespective of practice. And when we try to show our tolerance be adopting a “live and let live” attitude – wen we let our society divide itself in the names of diversity and multiculturalism, we sacrifice both the flower and its nutrients.

The absolutes are the taboos of individual societies. They're negative – like five of the ten commandments. And while there are differences in the religious/ethnic codes that contain them, there are some that seem to be universal, even if the societies that follow them have never had contact with each other. So although there are many who ignore the taboos, and there are many who don't punish the violators, almost everyone seem to agree that it is wrong to commit murder.

But there are positives as well – positives that seem to apply in every society. Among them are socialization and cooperation. For a society to work its members must work together. So just as there are things we don't do, there are things we do. And both groups control our actions.

One final note. As those of you who read these essays (and I can count you on one hand) know, I am ill. So it is fair to ask how my medical condition affects my behavior? To what degree are the factors which I've already mentioned in play?

To understand the answer, it's necessary to understand me. I don't want to know what's happening. I don't ask my doctors very many questions, trying only to do what they say. So part of what I do is what I'm told to do. It's another layer of law added to the ones I've already discussed.

Time, in various forms, has taken over my thoughts and my actions. I'm likely to act more quickly when something comes up – not to put it off but to take care of it immediately. I live one day at a time – as if there's no difference from my previous experiences. Still, however, I plan for the future in certain ways. One of those ways is to make lists for others (I've always made lists) of what needs to be done, and to make sure that all economic, legal, and insurance issues are covered. Simultaneously, however, I look forward to planned events. I have goals – events I want to attend. I plan as if the future is unending.

But that's all background for me. It is more involved in how I do things than in what I do. And the “what” hasn't really changed. Denial is strong (fortunately) and I pretend that nothing has changed. That's not reality, but it allows me to do what I do because it's what I do. I'd like to think that it's all logical and well thought-out, but that's not the case. I do it because it's what I do. It's all that I know.

I don't know what else to do.

December 21, 2016