Harebrained Schemes 8

Have you ever noticed a strange smell in your house? It's more common in the country than in the city. Smells like a dead animal but you can't locate it? Don't be surprised. You're not equipped to. Evolution may have improved your intellectual standing above the “lower” animals, but it has taken away much of your ability to locate and identify odors and their sources. Most of us don't eat roadkill or its variants, so why be able to identify and locate it?

Cats For Rent would solve this problem at a rate cheaper than an exterminator. No white jackets and fancy equipment. Just some hungry cats (they haven't been fed in days – it lowers costs and improves results) that are let loose in your residence. If they can't find the source quickly, no exterminator can. And in addition to cash for their owner, you've provided food for starving animals. It's all very green.

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Who's around to hear what people will say at his funeral. OK. At a roast of an entertainment star people speak up while you're still alive, but they usually insult you for the laughs. Very nice, very friendly, and totally insincere.

What you really want to hear are compliments – whether deserved or not. That's insincere too, but you want to take it seriously, and you want the guests to do so as well. Some of what the speakers say will be true but most will be exaggerated. So what. It's the first time in your life (wrong word?) that you're shown the respect you think you deserve. But you never hear it. The words either don't get into that wood box, or you don't hear them for some other reason.

There's batting practice before a baseball game, rehearsals before a show opens, and even preplanning of a funeral. Why not include the rehearsal of a funeral service so the guest of honor will hear the accolades. He can even edit and add to them so no one will be unaware of the accomplishments he considers most important, but which would probably be omitted by those who don't know him a well as he does. Or are less impressed by the “accomplishment's” importance. And he can suggest “slaps” at those who offended him.

It would be a good money raiser for the funeral home and, with an unhealthy meal following, there may be some heart attacks that will up the earnings..

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There's a spate of accusations of sexual abuse going around. They're usually blamed on men and attributed to DNA that lets testosterone run loose, and society's willingness to overlook the idea that “boys will be boys.”

Those are certainly contributing factors, but not the critical ones. Periodically we read about a female predator – usually a school teacher or someone in industry who heads a department or section. In those instances, testosterone isn't the issue – power is. Control. Women took advantage of men or boys who feared that their rejection of their superior (or squealing) would result in punishment, while acceptance of the “opportunity” would lead to advancement. As Lord Acton said, “Power corrupts.”

Which leads me to a simple solution, and a chance to kill two birds with one stone. (Actually two directly and others in passing.) The answer is to bar men from leadership positions in all fields until a clear pattern of sexual abuse by women is established. The “one stone” of which I wrote would, along the way, immediately shatter the “glass ceiling.” (Other likely results would be that there would be a change in the pattern of wage inequality – perhaps only the direction – and an alteration in birthrate statistics.) What the Hell. It's worth a try.

November 21, 2017