Our Children, Ourselves

Too many parents make life hard for their children by trying, too zealously, to make it easy for them. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

On a couple of previous occasions I've written about parenting. In this essay I want to address the reality of being a parent, and what our expectations should be of our children and of ourselves. It's something we don't think about all that often, except to complain or brag about the kids. We rarely consider what our own role is in their development. There's nothing original here, and I've probably said most of it before, but it bears repeating.

What is our role in their upbringing? We have responsibilities. What do we want of our children? What do we expect of them (and ourselves)?

In all likelihood we want our children to be healthy and confident. We want them to be well educated and capable of dealing with society both fiscally and emotionally. We want them to love and respect us, and we want them to know right from wrong. And we want them to have a better life than we.

In the past children were raised with the anticipation that they would help out on the farm and support their parents as they got older. However much they may have been loved, life was not made easy for them just as it had been difficult for their parents. They were expected to marry to continue the cycle, but care for, and assistance of, their parents was expected. Children, and future generations, provided joy for their parents, but we made demands of them. They served us and now, as times have changed, we must serve them. The bargain, in prior years, required contributions from both sides, but now it is primarily the parents who must take responsibility.

That doesn't mean that we must make life easy for them. We do them no favor by catering to all their demands. Goethe had it right. It takes what may be perceived as a hard childhood to provide the necessary preparation for a productive and rewarding adult life. And, to a degree, that “hard childhood” is difficult for us as well. But it's worth it. What follows are some of the lessons I've learned from some reading and from rearing my own children, of whom I'm very proud.

One of the qualities that please parents is the quickness of their learning – even before they start a formal education. And every parent believes “my children are smarter than yours.” They're learning every moment even without the intention to learn. They internalize whatever they see and hear around them. And that makes their parents their first teachers. So everything you do should be a model for what you want of them. If they see you dealing fairly with them they're more likely to deal fairly with others. If they perceive that you are lying to them, they'll interpret that as meaning that lying is acceptable. If you want them to work hard, they should know that you work hard. And if, for example, you want them to visit your grave, be sure that they've seen you visiting your parents'.

They'll base their political and religious philosophies on what they hear and experience in the home. At least as a starting point, though they may alter their views as they learn from others well. And it's from you that they'll absorb their first biases. So it's up to you to set an example. In short, don't say or display any traits that you don't want them to have. It's not easy. We're not perfect, even if our children believe that we are – at least they believe that in their early years.

Also important to their development is structure – rules, responsibilities, expectations, and care in what they do. Though they will rebel against them – complain that you're demanding too much of them – and it might be easier to give in and do their chores yourself, such a practice won't contribute to their development of responsibility. It may be harder to insist on them completing their own tasks rather than palming them off on you but that's what you must do. That includes homework and other school projects. It's not unreasonable to help and direct them, but in the end they must do the learning themselves – learning that will benefit them in their adult years, even if they doubt its relevance in their childhood. They'll tell you they hate and resent the other jobs too. Even so, however, the knowledge that you're depending on them to perform those tasks is important for their self-image, and the successful completion of their assignments is certain to contribute to their self-confidence.

Importantly, they'll learn, by your fairness and firmness, a respect for proper authority. They may ultimately reject particular authorities, but, assuming everything is being done for the common good, they'll work to support those acting on their behalf and serving as their leaders.

In addition, they should learn to accept others not in authority – even those who may lack some of the abilities they themselves have; that they're responsible for, and must attend to the needs of others who are not as fortunate as they, whether physically or economically.

Most important, however, is their experience of your love – especially the knowledge that you've given up some of your own wishes in order to help and please them. They should know that you respect their informed decisions (applauding whims teaches the wrong lesson) and that you learn from them as they learn from you. And they must know that choices appropriate to their age are theirs; that they are not fulfilling your fancies or are required to achieve what was beyond your ability. As the cliché goes, it's not about you.

In the long run, however, you get no guarantees. There's nothing more satisfying, though, than knowing that whatever the outcome, you've done your best for your children.

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I have more that I want to say on the subject however it will have to wait. But it will come. Enough for now. Pop psychology 101 is currently on vacation.

August 30, 2017