Some Thoughts

I have pancreatic cancer, so I'm a little preoccupied. I've been keeping a diary of my thoughts since my first symptoms appeared and now that I've been told that I have metastases I decided to put one page of the diary onto my blog. I wrote it a couple of days ago, and it expresses some of the ideas that have been going through my mind. Please forgive my self-pity. I'll try to be more upbeat next week.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Not surprisingly, I've been thinking about death. I haven't gone back to look at previous entries and I may be repeating myself. So it goes.

I'm saddened by the idea that won't be able to see how others evaluate my life and my passing. Or, for that matter, anything else. Right now when I get tired I eagerly take a nap or, in the evening, go to sleep for the night, confident that I'll wake up. And then I'll evaluate any dreams I remember and plan for the day ahead. It's routine. I know that I'll be able to think about it and about anything else that I want. The idea that I'd never know about the past or the future is daunting; that I'd never have any knowledge of my family or anything else is unimaginable.

No matter how I try to formulate my ideas all I can decide is that in all likelihood what comes next, if that is anything at all, is completely separate from my experience on earth. I suspect that I'll neither know, nor have any interest, in my earthly existence. And I won't be aware of those I left behind. As I have no knowledge of any existence before I was born, I suspect that I'll have no knowledge of this one later on.

First of all though I should mention that I'm using human reasoning, which doesn't make any sense in this situation, but it's all I have. I'm not convinced there is any kind of life or existence of the soul after death. That's certainly something which common sense rejects. Common sense, however, doesn't seem to be in any way related to extra-rational “reality.” If that – something beyond rationality – is a component of the whole picture there is no way for us to make sense of it using the tools we have.

But if human rationality teaches me anything – if it has any application – it tells me that there must be an extra-rational component to whatever there is. And I don't know how atheists could deny it. Even if they believe that everything is explainable by the use of universal physical principles and formulas, they believe. One of the main themes of the physical sciences is that everything comes from something. So if there is a Universe, and if there are universal principles and formulas, they had to come from somewhere. There is no rational explanation for something from nothing.

And that brings me to the pondering of the possible post-earthly scenarios (at least the ones of which I can conceive in human terms) which may pertain. These are the few possibilities that G-d (that's the term that most use when speaking of the “extra-rational” force) lets us consider. There are surely others to which we are not privy.

What is most often viewed as likely is that the end of life is the end of life. Nothing follows it. It is eternal nothingness. (Of course the whole concept of “eternal” is, itself, beyond human comprehension.) While that may be the perspective of those who refuse to believe in belief, it doesn't make much sense for anyone who has accepted the idea of an extra-rational force – for what is the purpose of creating life that is finite and never understands its own role?

Of course “sense” is not the issue (and it's conceivable that “purpose” is inconsequential or meaningless), but it's difficult to reject what we've been taught all our lives. The issue would be the nature of that existence and its purpose.

Some picture an after death experience in terms of observation of the world by us as “angels,” or some other form of unearthly beings. We can see what is happening to our families and everyone else, but can effect nothing, though we can affect others through their memories of us. It's an idea that permits us to believe in a kind of extension of our earthly existence – an afterlife.

For many religions the post-passing period is one in which reward and punishment take place. It is one in which there are “Heaven” and “Hell” and, perhaps, something in between. And that view allows them (us?) to expect the physically, socially, economically, or otherwise deprived to be brought to equal terms, or perhaps to exceed the lot of, those who have followed the “rules,” whatever they are. And it allows the privileged ones to ignore the needy with the view that they will be rewarded later on. On the other hand, perhaps there is also the elevation of those who have sacrificed so that others my have a more rewarding earthly existence.

What constitutes Heaven? Is it an existence of leisure? Is there a “personal” relationship with our Maker? Is it the continuous learning of G-d's laws? Is it the enjoyment of whatever pleasures each person fantasizes?

There other possibilities as well. Some of which we can't even imagine. They are beyond the apprehension of the human mind. We cannot analyze them in rational terms.

The bottom line is that I don't know. And no one else knows either. What we are taught are the beliefs of others, for by the time they are “experiencing” that phase of existence or non-existence they are no longer in contact with us. So all we're left with are the beliefs and fears that we create for ourselves, and that's where I am now.

December 4, 2016